I may have found the one!

I'm very excited as I type this post. I may very well have found the "one" - the intended parents of a baby I may be carrying in the future. Here's what's happened since my last post.

Shortly after my last post, I visited a multitude of surrogacy forums, websites and agencies. I found one website that was like a classified ad for people looking for surrogates. I bravely put my name, age, brief description and phone number up for the world to see. Within a few hours, I had received three calls. One was from California from a man who I could not hear and who had a very thick accent. I couldn't understand him, he couldn't understand me, it was a disaster. All I could hear was "surrogacy" so I knew where he got my number. I decided not to pursue that lead since it was 3,000 miles away and there was a definite language barrier. Sorry, guy.

The second response I got was from a couple in West Virginia. I actually spoke to them twice on the phone and then through e-mail. The mother told me that after she gave birth to their daughter, her insides ruptured and she had to have everything removed. They were devastated because they wanted to expand their family. They went with a surrogate a few years ago who actually carried their son to near term when he, tragically, passed away in the womb. I felt so bad for them and so badly wanted to help. They sent me a long questionnaire that I gladly filled out.

The problem? They asked what my faith was. I'm atheist. I said "none". They wanted me to elaborate, so I did in a very respectful manner. They wanted more details. I was as polite and respectful as I could be. "I was raised as a Christian Baptist but went down a separate path and found that faith wasn't for me." I mean, how else could I have put it? That's when they pulled the ignorance card. One of the other questions was about tattoos. Yes, I have five. Three are tiny, two are large. Three are dragon-themed because I've always loved dragons, they're my "thing". The intended parents asked me if my love of dragons and tattoos stemmed from my atheism. 

Really?

I chose not to be offended but it was still a little obnoxious. 

My response:

Actually, I've loved dragons since I was a little girl. I'm an artist and they were my favorite thing to draw. My biggest tattoo is of a dragon I drew many years ago and it's very unique and really expresses my personality.  

"We're concerned of your lack of faith because faith is everything to us and we would want our child to listen to gospel music while in the womb."

I mean, you're paying me money to grow your baby. You dictate what I eat, how I exercise and if you want me to blast gospel music, by golly I will. It's really not an issue. My baby got to listen to heavy metal when I was pregnant, but that's because being an atheist dictates that I must sacrifice babies to Satan and fire-breathing dragons. (not my actual response, don't worry)

I didn't receive a message back. Oh well, I didn't think they were the "one".

So then I received a call from a lady in Maryland. She said her and her husband tried for well over 15 years for a baby and were determined to have one or more. I told her I was willing to carry up to three. She started acting condescending. 

"So, you live in Virginia?"

"Yes, I do."

"Well, that's not a surrogacy-friendly state."

"It's not? I thought it was...."

"No. It's not. You should really live closer to your intended parents."

(What, did she expect me to up and live next door to her while I was growing her kid(s)?")

"Well, uh... Maryland's only 4 hours from me. I'm willing to travel as long as my gas is compensated."

"That's a pretty far drive. How will you take off from work? What do you do?"

"Oh, it's not that bad. I like to drive. All I would need to do is let my manager know a week or so in advance. And I'm a waitress."

"Oh so you don't make a lot of money."

(Really?!)

"Ha, well, no. Not a lot. But I get by pretty good. I've been there almost 4 years."

"Huh."

"Yeah."

"Well, what if it's a last-minute need to drive?"

"Well, it's really easy to release shifts to other servers. People are always willing to pick up."

"I see. How will that affect you financially?"

"I actually budget quite well. I'm studying to be an Accountant so I need to practice what I preach! Heh."

"Oh, so you're in school too? How will you have time to be a surrogate?"

"I ... um ... I'm on summer break right now but it's something I can balance quite well. I worked full time right up to the day I had my daughter. I worked two jobs, went to school full time and raised my baby. I'm a full-plate kind of person. I like the challenge!"

"Huh. Well. As you may know, MOST surrogates are stay-at-home moms who rely on their husbands financially."

"Well, I'm different. I've never relied on anyone financially, even my husband when we were together. I'm pretty independent."

"Huh. I see. Well, let me do some research and I'll call you back."

She never called back and I'm glad as hell. She was cold, heartless and almost sounded like she was trying to tell me what to do. Whatever.

I was starting to think this may not work out, especially after one of the three agencies I applied to refused me due to my history of depression.

Who's not depressed in this day and age? Seriously.

But just a few days ago, I got a text from a woman with my area code. She lives in my area, has three kids but had a partial hysterectomy and wants to give a baby to her new husband. We've been talking back and forth and we're really hitting it off. She said they don't have a lot of money but I said I was negotiable. As far as I see it, I want to do this, she wants to do this, we live in the same CITY so no traveling for either of us and even if I take a pay cut to do this, it will benefit me. How? Well, if I've already completed one successful surrogacy, I'll be more of a prize to others or to agencies. It's a win win for everyone! And it doesn't hurt that his lady is kind, compassionate and is the opposite of condescending. It seems we all want the same end game, so that's what's making me think she's the one.

She still needs to find out if she's able to have her eggs harvested, but from the research I've done since our last conversation, she shouldn't have any problems. I told her that I still need to find out if my oven is fit for baking. I'm sure we'll know something soon :)

Crossing my fingers. Wish me luck!

I found a new path.

I know it's been a little bit since I updated. 

I wasn't pregnant after all. AF arrived five days late. I'm unsure if I had a possible chemical pregnancy or just a really bad case of line-eye, although other women backed me up on the lines they saw. I'll never know for sure.

With all that being said, I'm making an announcement.

I've decided to pursue my dream of becoming a gestational surrogate for a loving couple.

This may seem shocking, but I actually pursued it last year when I had an epiphany: I wanted to do something great for this world, and I didn't mind "sacrificing" my body in the process. However, in order to do so, I needed to lose weight. I had begun losing weight and actually got down to my lowest weight in six years, 190 pounds. I looked heavily into surrogacy because 1. I need to begin my daughter's college fund and 2. I would love to give another person the best gift in the world - the gift of becoming a parent. I know how it feels to think you'll never be one, and to think I could give that to someone else fills my heart with love. I knew I was doing it for all the right reasons and that's what made it all "click" for  me. So I was hooked up with an agency and even got to speak to my intended parents. Everything was going well until they asked and I disclosed that yes, my husband has a mental disorder but he takes medication for it. They sent me all these heavy forms he needed to fill out and he pretty much said "to hell with it, I'm not doing it". I tried to explain to him that if a couple trusted me to carry their baby, they would need to trust the man I live with as well. It makes perfect sense. My husband is quite touchy when it comes to his personal affairs, so he didn't do it. Sadly, the whole thing fell through and I was heartbroken.

Here I stand today at a crossroads in my marriage. A few things have happened and we've gone our separate ways for now, unfortunately. I still feel this calling in my heart and I really wish to pursue this.... and I just may.

Today I'm 208.8 pounds. I've lost nearly 10 pounds in the past three weeks. If I can get down to 195, I'll only be overweight and no longer obese. The agency I went through before would only accept a BMI of 29.9 or lower. I'm currently at 31.1 and losing steadily.

You may be thinking the big question here: How do you think you can carry a baby for someone else if you're having problems getting pregnant? 

I can answer that easily. PCOS does not hinder my ability to carry a baby. It simply hinders my ability to get pregnant in the first place. PCOS causes a woman, in most cases, to not drop an egg. You can't get preggo without an eggo! Aside from that, this whole TTC #2 journey has honestly been one big question mark. I've never used OPKs so I honestly don't even know if I'm ovulating on my own at all, even with the Clomid. As for all my "squinter" pregnancy tests, I truly believe I have the world's worst line-eye and I was probably not pregnant on any of those cycles and to the women who said they saw a line, either they had bad line-eye too or they were just pep-talking me. And finally, my husband has a rare birth defect that can cause infertility in men. He has never seen a specialist about it so we don't know 100% what his situation is down there, but all we know is that at least one time, he got very lucky and at least one time, my eggo decided to pop out and bam - we got pregnant. Our baby was truly a one in a million shot. And if you're unaware, with a gestational surrogacy, the woman carrying the baby is not genetically linked to the child. I would be using another couple's egg and sperm combo, artificially combined in a laboratory. (Yay science!) So the fact I have this disorder wouldn't matter. I mean, it matters because my uterus is not in tip-top shape, but it's not a factor that will hinder my ability to get pregnant.

I'm pretty excited about this and hope it all works out. Cross your fingers for me.

(21 DPO) - AF is now 4 days late

Could it be that AF is late only because I'm focused on her being late? I mean, I DO have PCOS and I used to go 6-7 months without a period at all. But she's been on time for 8 months. Maybe this is just a combo breaker. Who knows. In the meantime, here's my FMU from this morning:

There's definitely a faint pink line. This is getting really aggravating. Googling this issue returns little to no answers. Most point to a chemical pregnancy, but they all say that chemicals don't last this long. I've been getting squinters for almost two weeks now. I'm unsure if that's a good sign or a bad sign. I'm just getting pissed off, really.

Speaking of Googling.... you know what really ticks me off? When I'm reading a message board post from a woman with a situation looking for answers. She gets responses with opinions but she never updates. Did you get your freaking BFP or your AF or what?! What happened?? COULD YOU PLEASE ENLIGHTEN ME, YOU JERK. Screw you, Jen247 from October 2008. 

But really, it's annoying. I have found a couple of stories of people getting faint BFPs a week after AF was due. I don't think I'm going to be as lucky. I DID receive a small dot of blood when I wiped today, but I think it may have been from semi-rough love making with the hubby last night. 

Answers. Answers. I want them.

Oh god, my toddler just pulled her diaper off and ran across the room naked. Gotta go.

(20 DPO) - Sick kitty...

AF is officially three days late. Come on, now. This is ridiculous. In the meantime, I'm so tired I can't keep my eyes open. I nearly fell asleep at the wheel on the way to drop off my rental and get my car from the shop. That's a pregnancy sign for sure, but I still don't believe this is viable. I'm so bummed out. I just wish AF would pop up and give me a break. See that test? Yeah, that was my FMU from this morning. Nadda, right? I keep thinking I see a line but it's most likely just my imagination. Go figure.

In the meantime, Tubbs, our 16-pound kitty, has become very sick. A week or so ago, she started peeing on my daughter's bed, prompting a lot of bleaching, spraying and cleaning on my end. She kept returning to the bed and spraying. Yes, she's spayed. We decided the best option was to close our daughter's bedroom door and have her sleep with us for a few nights while we work on the problem. After all, it's not like we don't have a car accident situation to deal with, a lawyer meet-up and a serious lack of funds due to me missing work to worry over. A cat peeing in inappropriate places was the least of our worries.

Once we closed the door to SJ's bedroom, Tubbs went right into the bathroom and peed all over the floor, one foot away from her litter box. What a spiteful little thing, we thought. My husband reacted by tossing her on the front porch. She's not an outdoor kitty, mind you, but we live in the country so she wasn't really in danger of getting hit. She sat on the porch and meowed pitifully. After about an hour, I felt pity on the kitty and brought her back in. After that, she decided to behave for a couple days. Then this morning, we woke up to discover her sleeping on the kitchen floor. She looked very rough. It was strange seeing her in the kitchen, since her

normal hang out is on top of the couch in the living room. I petted her and loved on her. We realized she was pretty sick and we needed to get her some help. Since we had to leave early to exchange vehicles, we decided to get it done once we got home. I called ahead to the shelter we adopted her from and let them know we were coming (they have a vet clinic inside). By the time we got back, however, Tubbs was looking even worse. She hadn't moved from her spot on the kitchen floor. Not a good sign.

I moved her over to the couch so she'd be comfy while we got everything together. While my husband was getting our daughter dressed to go see her grandma, I was trying to find our cat carrier. I came back into the living room, stumped, and then I witnessed poor Tubbs attempt to vomit, but all she could get out was bile. Afterwards, she collapsed down the back of the couch. I ran to get her. Her legs were up in the air and she was barely breathing. I said "forget the carrier, I'm getting a blanket." So I grabbed one of SJ's old blankets, wrapped Tubbs up and hurried to the truck. I put her in the seat next to me. She was barely alive at this point. I rushed as fast as I could to the vet clinic, which is pretty hard when you drive a manual and traffic is horrible.

So we get there, I come rushing in, and they tell me to have a seat. After waiting for nearly 45 minutes, I went up to the secretary and told her my cat was near death at this point. They finally rushed her back, but I wasn't allowed to go. I sat in the waiting room for 15 minutes before a nurse came out and told me the prognosis was grim. They didn't know what was wrong with her and they didn't have the facilities to properly care for her since they're a non-profit organization. God. I started crying. They took me back to see her, where they had her hooked up to an IV and an oxygen mask. They told me that her sister, Sissy, the cat we didn't take, was in there a few days prior with the same symptoms. I was relieved to hear it was likely not something we did wrong but I was upset to know we were the ones who separated her from her sister. I had to remind myself that we wanted to take Sissy but she wouldn't go in a box and had an all-around horrible attitude and it was the shelter assistant who said she'd be willing to separate the two.

So we narrowed it down to separation issues or a UTI due to the peeing everywhere or a combination of both. Her temperature had dropped to a dangerous 94 degrees (when normal for a cat is 100-101). I had to sign her over to them since I have $2 to my name. I felt terrible but they re-assured me it was the best thing for her. I made them promise to contact me if she died or if she lived. They said if she lived, they would give me the opportunity to re-adopt her. 

I left the shelter crying. At least I got to say goodbye. I truly felt terrible. I really loved that cat.

(18 DPO) - Dear body, you suck.

So I got my hopes up for nothing. Go figure. I don't know why I do this to myself every cycle. Here's the steps I routinely go through:

1. Get period

2. Eat a lot of sweets, bloat, watch a lot of sad movies, cry

3. Wait for period to be over

4. Go a few days without worrying about TTC

5. Realize I'm on CD 10 and I'm most likely going to ovulate in three days

6. Seduce hubby

7. Fail to seduce hubby

8. Realize I'm on CD 12

9. Panic

10. Attempt seduction of hubby again

11. Succeed

12. Lay with legs in the air, up against the wall for 5-10 minutes

13. Go about my business for a few days

14. Enjoy life without worrying about buying pregnancy tests

15. Realize that pregnancy tests do NOT in fact rule my life

16. Feel empowered to wait until AF arrives or doesn't arrive to test

17. Make secret pact with self to have more self control

18. Realize it's 8 DPO

19. Try had to resist stopping at Dollar General and buying First Signal $1 tests

20. Fail at resisting

21. Take First Signal test, see a line (always, always see a line)

22. Get excited

23. Race out to 24-hour Wal-Mart at 3:00am and buy more $1 tests

24. Take test with FMU on 9 DPO

25. See nothing.

26. Rinse and repeat for a few days

27. Swear I see something on every test

28. Get validation on online message board

29. Drive myself insane

30. Get stared at for purchasing yet another FRER at the local grocery store

31. Stare at the cashier's 8 month + pregnant belly and cringe when I hear her talking about her other four kids

32. Wonder if I'll somehow end up with four kids

33. Test every day until expected AF

34. Get AF

.... Rinse and repeat.

So there you have it! That's exactly what I do each and every cycle. It's becoming depression, exhausting AND expensive.

This cycle I've received some of the most convincing lines I've ever had TTC #2. I've felt so different this cycle and I still believe I might  be in it to win it. Here's what I received with my FMU:

Every time I look at it, I see a faint line. When I tweak it on my phone, the line has pink. It's there. The only question is, is it viable? I decided to try one of my First Signals with my FMU urine as well. Here's what I got:

Not quite what I had yesterday, but when I tone down the brightness on my phone, I see a faint pink line. 

This ish is nuts, yo.

At this point, I should be getting dark damn lines. This isn't fair!

In the mean time, my breasts are so swollen they could be floatation devices. I'm a DD on a good day. They're sore, vein-y and bulbous. That can be an AF sign but it's usually not the case with me. My nip-nips are also visibly darker. 

I guess we'll wait and see.

(17 DPO) - AF is due today!

I'm pretty excited about AF being absent. She may very well pop up but for now, she's late. I've been pretty cranky and crampy today, most of the cramps fixated in my lower back. I tried drinking Diet Coke at work and it tasted kinda off, but that's not uncommon for my place of employment if you catch my drift ANYWAY, it tasted funny so I tried the Minute Maid Lemonade and it too tasted off. I tried eating a biscuit and it tasted funny too. I figured they can't all be off so I took a test after work and got this.

Am I imagining things or is there a line there? If there is a line, shouldn't it be much darker since today's my AF day? Maybe I got my O date wrong... after all, I only go with my body's gut feelings.

Either way... my husband doesn't know yet. I don't want to get him all excited or worked up right now so we'll see. 

On a side note, I'm meeting with a lawyer on Monday to discuss the hit and run case. If the off chance is I'm pregnant, I wonder if we can include that in the settlement options. Who knows. 

Well, I'm exhausted. Goodnight y'all!

EDIT: I inverted it just for fun.

 Edit again: It must be a placebo effect but I'm getting a headache. I'm also feeling nauseous. Oh, and I have heartburn. Yeah. It has to be placebo.

It's taking every ounce of restrain not to go buy a FRER from our local 24 hour Wal-Mart. They're $8.98 for a two pack! ...... with a $2 off coupon! So they come to $3.50 a piece. But damn, my toddler's still not asleep and it takes 20 minutes to get to Wally World.... ah, I'll wait til tomorrow.

(15 DPO) - Uh ... that's a line.

EDIT: Uh. I accidentally had this labeled as 17 DPO ... I went back and re-checked my period app and realized I'm more along the lines of 15 DPO. Sorry.

I told myself I would wait until my period came, or didn't come, to test. But damnit I always break promises to myself. I'm pretty bad about that, actually. So tonight, I worked a 5-hour shift and held my pee. I wouldn't recommend that since it really is horrible for your bladder and can cause a lot of issues. But in the TTC world, it's perfectly normal ... so there's that.

Anyway, I came home and took an Answer brand test. 

Here's what I got.

Nothing to see right away, right?

Well, when I opened it up in Photoshop and tweaked it a bit, I got this.

It's there and it's pink. I used a BFP from a Google search of the same brand so that I could make sure the line was in the right place. It's even there when I invert it. Yes, I know it's not recommended to tweak tests, but all I did was adjust the brightness and contrast. That's allowed, right? It's my blog and I'm gonna do what I want, damnit. Anyway, I really think this may be the beginning of a BFP for me and I'm pretty stoked.

But is it viable? I mean, AF is due in two days. I haven't spotted yet, which is an excellent sign since I do 90% of the time right before she shows. But if this is a super super light BFP, shouldn't it be much darker for being this close to AF?

I'm going to go ahead and try not to stress. The only "symptoms" I'm experiencing are lower back pain, weird tastes in my mouth and tingly nipples. Fingers crossed.

EDIT: Here's another photo of the same test, taken around the 5-minute mark.

 

(15 DPO) - Feeling pretty blah today.

So today's approximately 15 DPO. According to my math, AF was due yesterday but according to my super-duper trustworthy, most of the time correct period app, I'm due on Friday, so two days from now. See, I've been tracking my cycle on this app for nearly two years. It knows my wonky uterus better than I know my own wonky uterus. Even though my period used to be ridiculously irregular, after having my daughter, it's pretty much fixed itself. That doesn't mean I no longer have PCOS, sadly, but at least I know I can count on my period each month. With that being said, I range from 28-31 days each cycle and my app is about 95% correct with its predictions of when AF will arrive. If AF is coming on Friday, I haven't spotted yet, which I do most of time... two days before AF. So maybe that's a good sign? Yes, that's a good sign. I'm also not feeling AF-like cramps like I normally do. In fact, I'm having no symptoms of either pregnancy or AF. Hmm. My lower back hurts a bit, though, but that's probably from mopping the entire damn house this afternoon.

I suppose I should test again today ... I'm itching to do so. I just got paid so I guess it won't be as embarrassing as yesterday when I bought tests with my credit card that had $15 credit left on it after my debit card was declined. At least the man at the check out is nice. He's the manager of that grocery store and he's always been kind to me and to my daughter. He gives her a free cookie every time he sees her :) It's no secret that I'm trying to get pregnant. I've never told him since it's none of his business, but it's pretty damn obvious when I buy FRERs from them every single month.

Ugh, I embarass myself.

In other news, one of  my best friends is going to find out tomorrow if she's having a boy or a girl. She's due on Halloween, which was my due date back when I had my very early miscarriage. She literally called me the day after I lost it and told me she was pregnant after TWO MONTHS of NTNP with her boyfriend. (yay) :( I was super stoked for her but pretty bummed for myself.

I've gotten over it at this point. She's an awesome person and I love her. With that being said, she might have already found out she's having a boy. When she went in for routine blood work a week ago, she had a friend of hers analyze the blood (they work in the lab) and discovered she was carrying the Y chromosome. So maybe it's a BOY :) how exciting. She already has a little girl. 

But we'll find out for sure tomorrow assuming he/she cooperates. How exciting. <3

One last note. If I am pregnant, my due date is February 24, 2015. My babies will be 2.5 years apart EXACTLY :)

(14 DPO) - Maybe there's still hope.

Well, the good news is that, according to my calculations, my period should be due today and I'm not feeling crampy or bloated. The bad news is, I took this FRER here with FMU and, although I see a line, I'm pretty damn sure it's an indent. Oh well. Hubby and I only BD'd one time this cycle during my fertile window. I know it only takes once, but it's looking like we missed the mark. I'm not terribly upset about it. I'm actually okay with it considering I'd love to focus more on my weight loss. Speaking of weight loss, I realized something pretty funny. I was looking through my old My Fitness Pal weight check-ins and realized I weighed exactly the same one year ago that I do today. Oh, I only lost and then gained back 30 pounds in that time period. Pssssh. ;) 

But really. I need to focus on this. My husband says that when I get focused on something, I become consumed. I thought he was just being an ass until I thought about it. First it was the extreme couponing. Oh yes, I used to be an extreme couponer. In fact, we're still not out of toothpaste, shampoo, conditioner and body wash from my couponing days ..... which ended almost two years ago.

Don't hate. I know you want to hate, but ... okay, you can hate.

I got really good at that shit. Like super good. See, I'm currently working on my Associates in Accounting. There's a reason for it. I'm quite good at math. I love math. I crave it. I actually do math problems for fun. 

I told you guys I was a nerd before being a nerd was cool.

The high got me going. Yes, I got stuff for free, but not to the extent they do/did on that stupid reality show. Those women were oftentimes frauding the system and using coupons incorrectly, but I didn't. It was pretty typical of me to walk with $300 worth of merchandise and only pay $60. The one thing I always got for free was toothpaste. (yes, I donated a shit load of it). Sadly, I stopped couponing when Kroger stopped double coupons. That's pretty much where a coupon for $0.50 off one item would double to $1.00. They would often have Crest toothpaste on sale 10/$10 (which you didn't have to buy 10 to get the deal, mind you! Buying one would cost you a dollah). Anyway, I would apply my $0.50/1 coupon, make it double, get that ish for free and then make it rain when I got home. It was amazing. The joke amongst my friends was that I "broke" Kroger when I got 200 packs of Huggies baby wipes for free. They stopped doubling their coupons shortly after the heist I pulled. I have no regrets. I love telling this story. You may have climbed Mt. Everest or birthed six babies non-medicated in a water birth or saved a bunch of kiddies from a burning bus, But I got 200 packs of free baby wipes. Listen up. Okay, so, I think I was around 9 months pregnant with my baby. I was hot, it was the worst summer heat on record, and I was waddling at a speed of negative five miles per hour. I was done. And I had my couponing book. I had spent the past 9 months couponing for baby supplies and getting quite a nice collection going. I had even dumpster-dived until I was about six months and my belly was too big to reach in. (before you judge me, I only went to recycle-bin dumpsters, so no nasty stuff! ... although people looked at me weird like I was a pregnant homeless lady). Anyway.

My local grocery store, Kroger, was running this awesome sale on Huggies baby wipes, 5/$5, making them $1 each. That's a great deal on its own, truly. For a pack of 70 wipes, they were normally $2.15 a piece without the sale. I was on one of my favorite coupon websites and discovered that the Huggies website was putting out a high-value $1 off 1 Huggies wipe pack, 70 count or more (you have to pay attention to that). The website allowed you to print off two of the same coupon from your IP address PER DAY, so I did so. Hallelujah, two free packs! 

Then I got greedy. (Hey, I was poor and I was about to have a baby, cut me some slack!)

I'm still poor but that's besides the point.

So I went to my local library around the corner. I used a guest pass and went to each open computer and printed off the coupons. Each page cost me $0.05, so you can argue I didn't get the wipes 100% free, but whatevs. I got four coupons on each page, so essentially, I paid $0.05 per four packs. 

No, the librarians didn't mind as long as I paid for what I printed.

So I went back to the library for five days, printing off as many as I could get away with. The library was on my way to work so I didn't have to waste gas.

Once I had my 200 coupons clipped and ready to go, I set forth to my Kroger. They had just re-stocked their shelves. I grabbed around 75 wipes, making sure I was getting them in increments of fives AND I made sure not to clear the shelf because that's really rude.

The cashier absolutely loved me ;)

But really. I was polite, apologized for the craziness, and handed her my coupons.

I walked with 75 free wipes.

I repeated this at three other Krogers, all within the area so I didn't waste gas. They didn't all have enough for me get what I needed without clearing the shelves. But over the course of three or four days, I got all the wipes I set out to get.

Damn, I miss couponing. I think I might pick it up again, but honestly, I just don't have the time... between working full-time, raising an almost two-year-old, raising a husband (am I right, ladies?), paying bills, going to college ... there's just not enough time in the world.

And I wonder why I want another baby.

Oh yes. Yes yes yes yes. More of this, please.

On a lighter note, we may be heading to Tampa, Florida with our family in September. We're going to visit my husband's stepfather's mother. She lives twenty minutes from the beach and damnit, I'm ready to see the ocean. I haven't been to the beach in nine years. And that was a shitty situation, let me tell ya. I was 18 and I went with my then-boyfriend and we fought the whole time we were there. His car broke down too. It was a nightmare. So I'm ready to just have a fun, family-filled much-needed vacation. So my new goal is to be back down to at least 190 by the time we go. That's 26 pounds to lose in 13 weeks... so that's 2 pounds per week! It's not entirely unobtainable. Difficult, but doable, y'anknowwhatimsayin?

I can do this.

(12 DPO) - Not much to look at.

Whoa, I had no idea I could position the image to be on the left side of the text! I'm gonna abuse the heck out of this option. Anyway, today's Father's Day and I'm 12 DPO. You would think that's the perfect combo for a Father's Day BFP. But no, not for me. So much for that.

Although the ladies on the message board said they saw a line, I really don't see much. I see a line but I figure it's probably an indent. Did I have a very early chemical or do I need to check myself into the looney bin?

On a side note, I had a dream last night that I was in jail and I took a pregnancy test in front of all the other inmates. It turned up positive immediately and everyone started celebrating.

Did I mention I've been binge-watching the second season of Orange is the New Black? 

(11 DPO) - Queen of the squinters.

Today I'm approximately 11 DPO.

This FRER was taken with a 5-hour hold. I really don't see a difference between this one and the 7-hour hold FRER from last night. I suppose it's too early to tell. Again, ladies on the message board said they saw a line. Ugh, I'm gonna go crazy again!

(10 DPO) - Here we go again.

Today I'm approximately 10 DPO. I just worked a 7-hour shift at work without peeing. I know my bladder's gonna sue me one day for putting it through so much stress. Honestly, when I'm really busy taking care of  my tables, I either forget to pee or I simply don't have enough time.

Anyway, I remembered I had a FRER in my purse and decided to give it a whirl.

I swear I see something here. I know I do. And please forgive the dank, scary bathroom shot and the hideous yellow walls. I promise I wasn't in a brothel or in the back of a cigarette shop.

EDIT: I posted this one on a message board I frequent and I had a handful of ladies say they saw the line! YAY! :)

I'm trying not to get my hopes up again .... it's so hard to do.

(9 DPO) - Symptoms

I try not to focus too much on symptoms. I've had so many on non-pregnant cycles and then only a few or none at all on my chemical pregnancy cycles. But this time, I need something to kill the time.

0 DPO - O-like cramps

1 DPO - O-like cramps

2 DPO - Light cramps, dizziness

3 DPO - Light cramps, a little lower back pain

4 DPO - Light cramps, dizziness, nausea, lower back ache

5 DPO - Upset stomach, nausea

6 DPO - Headache, nausea, dizziness

7 DPO - Cramping (good sign?), headache

8 DPO - Upset stomach, nausea

9 DPO - Horrible, horrible heartburn, nausea, cramping

There you have it. Either I'm pregnant or I need to make an adjustment with my diet. It's not uncommon for me to be nauseated for no reason. Headaches are also pretty common since having my daughter. I guess we'll have to wait and see. I might test tomorrow ....

Although it's not pregnancy-related, my left arm is still killing me. I might go back to the doctor here soon. My car's still in the shop, of course... 

Hit and run :(

Well, this week is starting off just flippin' perfect.

So this morning, I was driving to work using a back road many people take to avoid traffic. It's a rich neighborhood with a lot of hills and curves. The speed limit is 25 but it's common for people to go 45 (shame, shame), however, if you go less than 35, you're gonna get run over. 

Anyway, I was driving along on this two-lane road when, out of nowhere, this car going the opposite direction decided to just cross over the yellow line and ram right into me, head on. The initial shock caused me to slam on my breaks, scream and then just sit there stunned for about 20 seconds. Once I realized what had happened and my ears stopped ringing, I instinctively looked to my outside mirror to see the other car. 

But the damn mirror was gone. And so was my driver's side window, totally shattered. And my head hurt quite a bit.

A man drove up to me and asked if I was okay. I was holding my head and proclaimed, "I think so .... do you see the other driver?"

He looked around, puzzled. "No ... where did they go?"

That was a good damn question. 

My mind started to race and I came to the awful conclusion that maybe the other driver went over one of the embankments. That would have certainly resulted in a death. I started to cry.

At this point I had called 911. 

While I was speaking to the operator, another car pulled up and parked in a driveway. Two ladies got out and rushed over to me, saying they had seen the whole thing and only drove a little ways to turn back around. Once an officer arrived, I told him my story. He also got the witnesses' names and statements, both in my favor. Apparently the lady had almost them but succeeded in hitting me.

An ambulance arrived to check me out. I had some minor cuts on my hand. They removed the glass shards, cleaned up the blood and then took my blood pressure. It was somewhere in the neighborhood of 144/121, a very high number.

The officer pulled me aside to speak. He said that the lady's husband called in the accident. Apparently she lived nearby in the rich neighborhood and simply drove home after plowing into me. How nice.

The tow truck came to get my car, as well as a family member to pick me up. I received no ticket.

On my way home, I got a call from the cop. He had spoken with the lady who hit me. I found out the following:

• The woman was 75 years old, so maybe a little too old to be driving
• She was very confused and disoriented (maybe drunk)
• She thought she was at the country club (?!)
• She thought I was going the same direction as her
• She thought I was the one who fled the scene

Oh boy.

The cop told me to go to the doctor if I felt any pain and to give the lady's insurance company a call to give them my side of the story.

It wasn't until about three hours after the accident that I started to feel pain. My head was killing me and my left arm felt like I had worked out for a million hours.

I went to the doctor.

He concluded that it was likely I hit my head that hit my window, causing it to shatter, especially if the lady was going 45 mph. It didn't dawn on me that I could have hit my head, but it all made sense.

I was prescribed some pain medication and a muscle relaxer. 

I hesitated to take the pain meds because I'm in the middle of trying to get pregnant, but I did as I was told since the pain was a little too much to bare.

What a way to start my week.

My daughter is such a little ham.

I'm unsure if I should feel proud or ashamed.

Today, I walked into my daughter's bedroom to check on her. My husband had given her a string cheese. I saw that she'd made a huge mess all over her floor and I definitely looked peeved. She saw my face, puffed up really big and loudly proclaimed,

"Damnit mommy, you want some cheese?"

Uh.

Today might be O day!

The cramps are a little more intense today. I'm so proud of my body for ovulating on its own without Clomid.

Or maybe it's my imagination. Or maybe it's a placebo effect. 

I sure hope not.

Anyway, like my last post said, hubby and I BD'd yesterday. I hope we caught the egg in time!

............. Now we wait.

I'm feeling pretty "O"-kay! :)

This cycle, I'm choosing not to use Clomid. I guess I'm a little paranoid after reading other women's testimony on its ineffectiveness after 3-6 cycles. I'm giving my ovaries a break.

With that being said, today is CD 13 and I feel o-cramping. It's like Christmas. Hubby and I BD today and I left my legs in the air, up against the wall, for what felt like a damn hour.

It was probably more like 10 minutes but I'm a whiner and I like to complain.

So I worry we might have missed our cue. If today's O-day, or even if tomorrow is, BD-ing today is likely too late .... or is it? Ugh. Hubby's on a certain kind of medicine that kinda kills his sex drive. It's been an issue for a few years now. I hate to admit this, but we rarely make love more than three times in a month. His doctor recommended a certain herb and I think we'll try that next cycle if this one doesn't work.

Well .... let the crazy pregnancy games begin!

On a side note, I think I may start labeling my posts on what cycle # I'm on. We've been NTNP since October of 2012, two months after our daughter's birth. I say that because I stopped taking the after-birth birth control pills that month. We're still borderline NTNP and TTC. I mean, I obsess over symptoms, take way too many pregnancy tests and I cry a lot when I see BFNs. How's that different from truly TTC? Well, I don't temp, I don't use OPKs, and I don't chart. Also, the only medical intervention so far is being prescribed Clomid, and that was done nonchalantly over the phone with my OB. She knows I have PCOS but she's never had me do anything to prove I'm not ovulating on my own. I actually don't know if I'm just not ovulating on my own or what. No clue. Since my periods mysteriously decided to stop being jerks and actually show up on time, I've been having O-like pain each month, with or without Clomid. So am I truly broken? I really need to get back to the doctor.

Also, another side note, would my insurance cover my husband's treatment? He's never had his spermies counted or tested or whatever. I don't want to have to get that deep into the TTC world.... but I fear I'm getting there. I mean, I'm only 26 and I already conceived one baby naturally, but I have a bum uterus so I assume I might have a couple more years until I have to succumb to all that other crazy stuff.

................ I hope.

Let Sleeping Babes Lie...

Your first breath took mine away.

Tubs & Crocket

The new additions to our family are adjusting well. 

Cannaday, or "Crocket" as she's now called, is definitely more social than lard-o cat. Her new favorite place is on or under our bed.

Missy, or "Tubs" has warmed up as well. I gave her a lovely "welcome to the family" kick in the face while sleeping the other night. I had no idea she was under the covers. 

The three of us spent the afternoon binge-watching Big Love. Tubs laid on my lap for hours while Crocket hung out on top of the recliner. I'm really liking these cats. They've got a lot of chill.

I'm not pregnant, so I did the next best thing!

I adopted two cats!

My transformation into a crazy old cat lady is nearly complete. All I need is about three more and fifty years and that should do it.

But seriously.

My husband and I had been talking about getting a pet for our daughter to grow up with. I'm unsure if it's the fact she's a kid or because she came from my genetic material but she loves animals with a burning passion. We discussed a dog but ultimately decided on a cat since we're both gone for long hours from the house at work and, although we have a large yard, we don't have a fence.

Two days ago, we headed down to our local no-kill pet shelter. They had a whole room-area blocked off where you could play with the kitties available for adoption. I was in heaven. One kitty, Cannaday, approached us and was very warm. I also loved another cat, Missy, who was a fat blob of love. She was one hunk o'kitty. I wanted to cuddle her all day. My husband lovingly referred to her as "fat-ass kitty".

We went home after filling out an application. 

After finding out we were approved, the three of us headed down to the shelter today. My daughter immediately bonded with Missy. The two of them fell in love through the bars. I was still loving on Miss Cannaday and having a tough time making a decision. Missy was ready to clobber my toddler child with love and possibly knock her out with her royal fat-ness.

We were ready to tell the volunteers we'd found our match when we found out that Missy was one-half of a bonded pair. If we were to adopt her, we'd have to take her less-than-pleasant sister, Sissy. My daughter seemed to really like Sissy as well, bringing her offerings of kitty toys. We talked it over and decided we'd take the sisters, even though we hadn't planned on more than one animal friend. I felt extra guilty when I found out Cannaday had been at the shelter the longest of her roommates - 6 months. I couldn't figure out why no one had taken her home and I longed to take her too.

Missy was easy for the shelter volunteer to get into a box. Her sister, on the other hand, was less than cooperative. She didn't want to be picked up, even when she was blinded by a thin blanket. The volunteer even tried picking her up by the scruff of her neck, but she was finding it difficult due to the fact she had a fat neck like her sister. It was obvious who had been getting the extra kitty treats.

Twenty minutes later with no success, my husband and I exchanged looks. I wasn't feeling very certain about this decision. My daughter was having a fit running back and forth on the outside of the caged room, trying desperately to let me know there was a "kee kee" stuck in a "baux". I wasn't paying attention until we all heard it - Missy had torn her way through the box, angry and annoyed. I can't say I blamed her. She would have been home with us at that point if it wasn't for her stubborn sister.

While one volunteer went to get a new box, the first one turned to us and said, "You know what? I'm willing to let Missy go without her sister. I don't want to deny her a good home because Sissy won't cooperate."

I was feeling relieved of her decision because I was sure I didn't want a cat that could possibly attack my daughter.

As we were getting the paperwork together, one of the volunteers said, "You know, you were willing to take a second kitty home and I know you really bonded with Cannaday........."

Dot dot dot

Awkward silence.

Oh hell, why not?

We boxed up Miss Cannaday and within five minutes we were on our way. Each cat cost us $30, so $60 for the pair, but that included all up-to-date shots, de-wormings, de-other bad stuff and even micro chips. What a deal.

On our way out the door, I asked a volunteer what the cats' stories were. Apparently Missy and Sissy were in the shelter for a while until an old lady took them home. Within a year, the old lady died and the cats had to be returned. Cannaday was found in the basement of an abandoned house after someone heard kittens crying. She was in there, dirty, with six kittens to feed. The people who found her apparently took the kittens and turned Cannaday in to the shelter. That was nice of them. The shelter automatically fixes all animals they get so we didn't have to worry about either of them getting loose and adding to the cat over-population problem.

So here I am, typing this update with Cannaday lying next to me on the couch. 

Missy hasn't moved from under my daughter's bed since we got home. I nudged a bowl of food under the bed in case she needed a midnight snack.

Which I'm sure she will.

Ha, fat joke. See, I can make that joke because I'm fat.

You shush.

Anyway, both cats will warm up to us. Cannaday's already doing great. I'm thinking about changing her name to Caroline.

Here are their photos from the shelter's website:

Cannaday looking like me when it's that time of the  month and I'm just not dealing with your bullshit.

Cannaday practicing her eavesdropping

Missy being an adorable fat-ass

I love Game of Thrones.

Did I mention I love Game of Thrones?

'Cause I do. A lot.

(15 DPO) - AF is officially late.

But I'm not pregnant. Hmm.

I'm choosing to ignore this for now. I took my last First Signal test - BFN, as expected. AF is late, but I do fluctuate between 28 and 30 days. She'll likely be here sometime today or tomorrow. I hope. Since I'm not pregnant, I just want her to come so I can deal with her needy ass.

I'm choosing not to do Clomid for this next cycle. I'm going to take a break from it and focus on losing weight again. Oh, this sucks.

It's currently 5:00pm as I type this and I haven't gone over 20 carbs today. That's a major success for me, considering I can eat 100 carbs for breakfast alone. I know low-carb works for me and I will do it again. 

In the meantime, I had to go clothes shopping. Yes, had to. It's not something I ever volunteer for. Tomorrow starts the first day of our new uniform at work. I had to spend all my tip money from today's shift on two shirts and a pair of jeans and I am NOT happy about it. Fucking bullshit.

The tops are button-up, a busty lady's sworn enemy. I had to buy size 18, something I'm not happy about but I'll manage. The jeans were an issue, though. My boss said we needed boot cut style but it doesn't say anything about it on the official document from corporate. Me and boot cut don't mix. I always need a size 16-20 but they're tight around my middle and baggy in the ass and legs area. It sucks when you're apple-shaped. I have all my weight in my middle with absolutely NO ass and then skinny chicken legs. It's weird. And it's a very hard shape to dress.

So I bought skinny jeans, the only kind of jeans I can truly wear.

My boss can suck it.

(14 DPO) - My eggo is not prego.

I woke up this morning and took two tests - a FRER and a Clearblue Digi. The FRER gave me the exact same result yesterday gave me. The digi gave me a nice slice of "I-already-know".

Well fuck you very much, Clearblue.

My moods have been all over the place. I'm annoyed, weepy and ready to move past this.

I did take a First Signal with SMU and got, you guessed it, a ridiculously faint line. Jesus, take the wheel here, man - no more super faint "is it there?" lines. Either give me a full-blown line or nothing at all. Sheesh.

Remember how I said I wasn't spotting? Well, now I am. Just a tiny, tiny bit. So I assume AF is rearing her ugly head sometime tomorrow. 

In the mean time, I enjoyed a day out with my husband and daughter. We went to get ice cream and then to the park. I took my camera, like I always do, and snapped a million shots of the two of them. My husband took the camera from me and said I needed to be in some too or I would regret it. 

And I regretted it.

Ugh, beached whale alert.

I decided I would no longer put off the inevitable. I've known for a while now that my weight-loss success from a few months ago had gone the wrong direction. So after seeing the hideous full-body shots of me, I dug out our scale from the back of the closet. The poor thing used to get stepped on daily when I was obsessing over my weight loss. Today was the first time it had seen the light of day in a long time. So I stepped on it ... mind you, this was at 9:30pm so I realize I'll weigh a bit more than I would have this morning ... and goddamnit, I've put 25 pounds back on. Disgusting.

PCOS is a bitch. There, I said it. I can literally eat a fourth of what my average-sized husband eats and I'll still weigh 30 pounds more than him. There was a time last year when we were only 4 pounds apart and I was *this close* to being less than him.... then the weight loss started creeping back up. Oh so slowly. The only reason I noticed it was because I weighed myself every morning after I peed.

Oh but you're not supposed to weigh yourself every day, you silly goose!

When it's super fucking easy for you to put on weight due to a horrible hormone imbalance, yes, you need to weigh every day to stay on top of it.

 I estimate my highest weight was around 250 pounds, around 5 years ago. If you read my original post, you know I used to be 140 pounds in high school. And I'm pretty tall... 5'8'' in fact. So 140 was healthy. I had an hourglass shape and I looked damn good. Too bad I didn't know it at the time... like all melodramatic teenage girls, I thought I was a fat whore. A fat ... virgin ... whore. I don't know.

Anyway, after months and months of extreme dieting and exercise, I got myself down to 205 pounds and then became pregnant. My weight fluctuated quite a bit in my first trimester due to the fact I had hyperemesis gravidarum, meaning I was throwing up so bad I couldn't hold down water. 

I actually kept it up until about six months, but don't worry, my baby made sure to absorb absolutely everything I didn't throw up. I was the hangry-est pregnant lady in the history of hangry pregnant ladies. Hangry.

The day I gave birth, I weighed 224 pounds. 7.5 pounds of that was baby. And I'm pretty pleased to admit I wore my regular shorts the whole summer. I was all baby (and boobs). A few days after having her, I was about 210. I let it go for about a year because I had to go right back to working full-time and I was stressed. New baby, no sleep, you know the drill. Anyway, I got back up to 220 without doing much eating at all. I then went back on a strict diet and exercise plan, along with getting prescribed Metformin from my doctor. During the fall last year, I tried out the no-carb diet, thinking it was a sham. I lost 9 pounds in a week, mostly water weight... but god, it was hard. I stopped that diet (why? I love carbs too much) and I busted my ass at the gym and got all the way down to 190 pounds. I plateaued. I couldn't get to 189.9. I was so aggravated.

That's when the pounds started coming back, like they always have.

And I've been eating poorly ever since, because fuck it. I also had a desk job for the past six months. I quit because working for a bank sucks when you have to refer products to angry old ladies and expect to keep those numbers up all day. So now I'm back to working full-time as a waitress. I'm so glad I kept that job on the weekends... it feels so much better walking again. When I was at the desk job, I could feel myself getting fatter just staring at my screen. However, I walk about 2-3 miles per shift at the restaurant.

After seeing the pictures tonight, I'm ready to try again. I stepped on the scale and saw 215 staring back at me. I know it's bad, my god, but I honestly, truly thought it would be worse. I thought I would see 235 staring back at me. 

And I need to remind myself that my doctor said it was the weight loss and the abrupt stopping of the birth control pills that likely caused me to get pregnant. I'm going to start focusing on my weight again and getting healthy. I have to.

Maybe I will do the no-carb thing again .... it worked the first time and it's really good for women with PCOS due to our insulin resistance. 

I'll keep you updated. Whether you like it or not.

(13 DPO) - Ready to throw in the towel.

UPDATE: SMU FRER with a real squinter later down the post.

 

None of my real-life friends know I'm a POAS-addict. In fact, none of my real-life friends are trying to have kids. My best friend is pregnant after loosely trying for one month. She doesn't know what DPO or FRER mean. She doesn't need to. Pregnancy comes naturally for her. The same thing happened with her first kiddo.

My other friends are all party animals who are too busy getting drunk after work to worry about kids. My close friend said to me the other day, and I quote, "Jeez, I couldn't imagine trying to get pregnant. That sounds like a damn nightmare."

Yeah, I guess it would be.... the poor fetus would die of alcohol poisoning at 12DPO.

Heh. Bad humor.

But really. Sometimes it's lonely here in TTC land. That's why I heavily rely on the encouragement of strangers - other women out there who are in the same boat as me. It can take the edge off.

There is one woman I know who kinda knows what's up. She's young and married, like me, and she also has PCOS - but the skinny kind (I hate her). She's a beautiful bean pole who struggles with infertility. Her and her hubby have been NT/NP for a few years now and she sometimes complains to me about it. She once joked about her husband's cluelessness. She was late for her period and hadn't tested yet. She told him she was late and he said "But ... we haven't had sex for like two weeks! If you're pregnant, it's not mine!" to which she replied, "Honey, you can have sex with someone and a week later be pregnant by them. It happens."

"What? Women are g-damn witches. I tell ya what. Always trying to get their eggo preggo."

Silliness.

So today, I went to her with a photo I took of my SMU test from this morning. I told her I had a friend online who had posted the image and wanted opinions. I hope she didn't see right through that.

She squinted hard and said, "So your friend thinks she sees a line? She's imagining things."

I pointed out where the line was. She said, "Uh, when you told me it was faint, I thought you meant still visible. There's nothing there."

My heart sank. I had women on two different boards tell me they saw the line, yet my real-life friend broke my heart. 

Here's the test in question. It was taken after 5 minutes in natural light, SMU of course. I felt like it gave a better result than my FMU.

If this is a real pregnancy, it's not likely a viable one. When I Google 13DPO faint, super light lines, the lines I see are 100x darker than mine.

Sigh.

The only good news is that I haven't spotted yet. My boobs are still swollen and veiny. My nipples are a little dark, which is new. 

AF is due tomorrow .... ish. Tomorrow or Tuesday. I kinda just wish this was over already so I can move on. Ugh.

On a final note, I think I need to join Peesticks Anonymous. I'm ashamed to admit how many HPTs I've taken over the past five days... only I and my dumpster know for sure. I'll never tell.

(13 DPO) - Is there still hope?

So I was less-than-eager to get up this morning and pee. For one, I had stayed up until 2:30am this morning reading blogs and I know I went to the bathroom at some point but I don't know when. Point being, I woke up this morning around 8:30am and had no idea if it had been 8 hours or 5 hours since my last wee. (I'm not British, by the way, but I do love their word usage!)

I peed in my faithful Oreo cup and dipped my FRER. That was when my husband, of course, came tromping down the hallway, demanding to have the bathroom because he was "running late" (yeah okay) so I had to very quickly dump my pee cup in the toilet and stuff my just-dipped FRER in my sports bra and bolt out of there.

Being the clumsy one that I am, I stubbed my toe on the door and yelled out in agony.

I'm still trying to keep it a secret from him if you can't tell. Here's to a Fathers Day surprise! (crossing fingers)

I'm unsure if the immediate movement would affect the test, but I checked it anyway. I put it up to the living room lamp and swore I could see the faintest of second lines.

 

But I'm probably imagining it. I'm so over this. I've been getting the same result for at least three days now.

What is it they say? hCG doubles every 24-36 hours? I think someone tacked on the 36 just to make women feel better when it's clear nothing is really working out for them. All I usually see are beautiful progressions, starting from 9DPO with a very faint line, getting beautifully darker as each day passes.

It's such bullshit.

If I'm pregnant, why can't I just get a nice fat bold line? I'm so tired of this game.

Time for a pity party.

(12 DPO) - I'm peeved.

I love First Signal tests. They're only $1.00 at Dollar General or $0.88 at Wal-mart. They showed me lines at 8 and 9DPO with my previous chemicals.

I sure hope that's not the case here.

This one was taken this morning with FMU. The line was there in person, but I had to squint to see it. You can see it in the photo if you squint hard enough. I swear I'm the queen of seeing super super super faint lines, especially when I'm looking at pregnancy board members' "can you see it?" posts. I'm usually the only person responding who can see a line. It must be a gift.

Or a curse.

  

Yes, my daughter insists on being in the bathroom with me at all costs. It's something we're working on.

But really, I'm feeling pretty jaded today. I swear if this is another chemical pregnancy, I'm done ... forever.

Okay, that's pretty dramatic. But seriously. I'm so jealous! This past month, I've seen two-three pregnancy announcements among my friends on Facebook per week. I just can't handle it any more. It's hard enough my best friend is pregnant and due when I was due (Halloween). She told me the day after I realized my pregnancy wasn't viable. She didn't know, of course.

My heart can't handle much more of this.