Monday, June 30, 2014

I found a new path.

I know it's been a little bit since I updated. 

I wasn't pregnant after all. AF arrived five days late. I'm unsure if I had a possible chemical pregnancy or just a really bad case of line-eye, although other women backed me up on the lines they saw. I'll never know for sure.

With all that being said, I'm making an announcement.

I've decided to pursue my dream of becoming a gestational surrogate for a loving couple.

This may seem shocking, but I actually pursued it last year when I had an epiphany: I wanted to do something great for this world, and I didn't mind "sacrificing" my body in the process. However, in order to do so, I needed to lose weight. I had begun losing weight and actually got down to my lowest weight in six years, 190 pounds. I looked heavily into surrogacy because 1. I need to begin my daughter's college fund and 2. I would love to give another person the best gift in the world - the gift of becoming a parent. I know how it feels to think you'll never be one, and to think I could give that to someone else fills my heart with love. I knew I was doing it for all the right reasons and that's what made it all "click" for  me. So I was hooked up with an agency and even got to speak to my intended parents. Everything was going well until they asked and I disclosed that yes, my husband has a mental disorder but he takes medication for it. They sent me all these heavy forms he needed to fill out and he pretty much said "to hell with it, I'm not doing it". I tried to explain to him that if a couple trusted me to carry their baby, they would need to trust the man I live with as well. It makes perfect sense. My husband is quite touchy when it comes to his personal affairs, so he didn't do it. Sadly, the whole thing fell through and I was heartbroken.

Here I stand today at a crossroads in my marriage. A few things have happened and we've gone our separate ways for now, unfortunately. I still feel this calling in my heart and I really wish to pursue this.... and I just may.

Today I'm 208.8 pounds. I've lost nearly 10 pounds in the past three weeks. If I can get down to 195, I'll only be overweight and no longer obese. The agency I went through before would only accept a BMI of 29.9 or lower. I'm currently at 31.1 and losing steadily.

You may be thinking the big question here: How do you think you can carry a baby for someone else if you're having problems getting pregnant? 

I can answer that easily. PCOS does not hinder my ability to carry a baby. It simply hinders my ability to get pregnant in the first place. PCOS causes a woman, in most cases, to not drop an egg. You can't get preggo without an eggo! Aside from that, this whole TTC #2 journey has honestly been one big question mark. I've never used OPKs so I honestly don't even know if I'm ovulating on my own at all, even with the Clomid. As for all my "squinter" pregnancy tests, I truly believe I have the world's worst line-eye and I was probably not pregnant on any of those cycles and to the women who said they saw a line, either they had bad line-eye too or they were just pep-talking me. And finally, my husband has a rare birth defect that can cause infertility in men. He has never seen a specialist about it so we don't know 100% what his situation is down there, but all we know is that at least one time, he got very lucky and at least one time, my eggo decided to pop out and bam - we got pregnant. Our baby was truly a one in a million shot. And if you're unaware, with a gestational surrogacy, the woman carrying the baby is not genetically linked to the child. I would be using another couple's egg and sperm combo, artificially combined in a laboratory. (Yay science!) So the fact I have this disorder wouldn't matter. I mean, it matters because my uterus is not in tip-top shape, but it's not a factor that will hinder my ability to get pregnant.

I'm pretty excited about this and hope it all works out. Cross your fingers for me.

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