I woke up this morning and took two tests - a FRER and a Clearblue Digi. The FRER gave me the exact same result yesterday gave me. The digi gave me a nice slice of "I-already-know".
Well fuck you very much, Clearblue.
My moods have been all over the place. I'm annoyed, weepy and ready to move past this.
I did take a First Signal with SMU and got, you guessed it, a ridiculously faint line. Jesus, take the wheel here, man - no more super faint "is it there?" lines. Either give me a full-blown line or nothing at all. Sheesh.
Remember how I said I wasn't spotting? Well, now I am. Just a tiny, tiny bit. So I assume AF is rearing her ugly head sometime tomorrow.
In the mean time, I enjoyed a day out with my husband and daughter. We went to get ice cream and then to the park. I took my camera, like I always do, and snapped a million shots of the two of them. My husband took the camera from me and said I needed to be in some too or I would regret it.
And I regretted it.
Ugh, beached whale alert.
I decided I would no longer put off the inevitable. I've known for a while now that my weight-loss success from a few months ago had gone the wrong direction. So after seeing the hideous full-body shots of me, I dug out our scale from the back of the closet. The poor thing used to get stepped on daily when I was obsessing over my weight loss. Today was the first time it had seen the light of day in a long time. So I stepped on it ... mind you, this was at 9:30pm so I realize I'll weigh a bit more than I would have this morning ... and goddamnit, I've put 25 pounds back on. Disgusting.
PCOS is a bitch. There, I said it. I can literally eat a fourth of what my average-sized husband eats and I'll still weigh 30 pounds more than him. There was a time last year when we were only 4 pounds apart and I was *this close* to being less than him.... then the weight loss started creeping back up. Oh so slowly. The only reason I noticed it was because I weighed myself every morning after I peed.
Oh but you're not supposed to weigh yourself every day, you silly goose!
When it's super fucking easy for you to put on weight due to a horrible hormone imbalance, yes, you need to weigh every day to stay on top of it.
I estimate my highest weight was around 250 pounds, around 5 years ago. If you read my original post, you know I used to be 140 pounds in high school. And I'm pretty tall... 5'8'' in fact. So 140 was healthy. I had an hourglass shape and I looked damn good. Too bad I didn't know it at the time... like all melodramatic teenage girls, I thought I was a fat whore. A fat ... virgin ... whore. I don't know.
Anyway, after months and months of extreme dieting and exercise, I got myself down to 205 pounds and then became pregnant. My weight fluctuated quite a bit in my first trimester due to the fact I had hyperemesis gravidarum, meaning I was throwing up so bad I couldn't hold down water.
I actually kept it up until about six months, but don't worry, my baby made sure to absorb absolutely everything I didn't throw up. I was the hangry-est pregnant lady in the history of hangry pregnant ladies. Hangry.
The day I gave birth, I weighed 224 pounds. 7.5 pounds of that was baby. And I'm pretty pleased to admit I wore my regular shorts the whole summer. I was all baby (and boobs). A few days after having her, I was about 210. I let it go for about a year because I had to go right back to working full-time and I was stressed. New baby, no sleep, you know the drill. Anyway, I got back up to 220 without doing much eating at all. I then went back on a strict diet and exercise plan, along with getting prescribed Metformin from my doctor. During the fall last year, I tried out the no-carb diet, thinking it was a sham. I lost 9 pounds in a week, mostly water weight... but god, it was hard. I stopped that diet (why? I love carbs too much) and I busted my ass at the gym and got all the way down to 190 pounds. I plateaued. I couldn't get to 189.9. I was so aggravated.
That's when the pounds started coming back, like they always have.
And I've been eating poorly ever since, because fuck it. I also had a desk job for the past six months. I quit because working for a bank sucks when you have to refer products to angry old ladies and expect to keep those numbers up all day. So now I'm back to working full-time as a waitress. I'm so glad I kept that job on the weekends... it feels so much better walking again. When I was at the desk job, I could feel myself getting fatter just staring at my screen. However, I walk about 2-3 miles per shift at the restaurant.
After seeing the pictures tonight, I'm ready to try again. I stepped on the scale and saw 215 staring back at me. I know it's bad, my god, but I honestly, truly thought it would be worse. I thought I would see 235 staring back at me.
And I need to remind myself that my doctor said it was the weight loss and the abrupt stopping of the birth control pills that likely caused me to get pregnant. I'm going to start focusing on my weight again and getting healthy. I have to.
Maybe I will do the no-carb thing again .... it worked the first time and it's really good for women with PCOS due to our insulin resistance.
I'll keep you updated. Whether you like it or not.
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