I may have found the one!

I'm very excited as I type this post. I may very well have found the "one" - the intended parents of a baby I may be carrying in the future. Here's what's happened since my last post.

Shortly after my last post, I visited a multitude of surrogacy forums, websites and agencies. I found one website that was like a classified ad for people looking for surrogates. I bravely put my name, age, brief description and phone number up for the world to see. Within a few hours, I had received three calls. One was from California from a man who I could not hear and who had a very thick accent. I couldn't understand him, he couldn't understand me, it was a disaster. All I could hear was "surrogacy" so I knew where he got my number. I decided not to pursue that lead since it was 3,000 miles away and there was a definite language barrier. Sorry, guy.

The second response I got was from a couple in West Virginia. I actually spoke to them twice on the phone and then through e-mail. The mother told me that after she gave birth to their daughter, her insides ruptured and she had to have everything removed. They were devastated because they wanted to expand their family. They went with a surrogate a few years ago who actually carried their son to near term when he, tragically, passed away in the womb. I felt so bad for them and so badly wanted to help. They sent me a long questionnaire that I gladly filled out.

The problem? They asked what my faith was. I'm atheist. I said "none". They wanted me to elaborate, so I did in a very respectful manner. They wanted more details. I was as polite and respectful as I could be. "I was raised as a Christian Baptist but went down a separate path and found that faith wasn't for me." I mean, how else could I have put it? That's when they pulled the ignorance card. One of the other questions was about tattoos. Yes, I have five. Three are tiny, two are large. Three are dragon-themed because I've always loved dragons, they're my "thing". The intended parents asked me if my love of dragons and tattoos stemmed from my atheism. 

Really?

I chose not to be offended but it was still a little obnoxious. 

My response:

Actually, I've loved dragons since I was a little girl. I'm an artist and they were my favorite thing to draw. My biggest tattoo is of a dragon I drew many years ago and it's very unique and really expresses my personality.  

"We're concerned of your lack of faith because faith is everything to us and we would want our child to listen to gospel music while in the womb."

I mean, you're paying me money to grow your baby. You dictate what I eat, how I exercise and if you want me to blast gospel music, by golly I will. It's really not an issue. My baby got to listen to heavy metal when I was pregnant, but that's because being an atheist dictates that I must sacrifice babies to Satan and fire-breathing dragons. (not my actual response, don't worry)

I didn't receive a message back. Oh well, I didn't think they were the "one".

So then I received a call from a lady in Maryland. She said her and her husband tried for well over 15 years for a baby and were determined to have one or more. I told her I was willing to carry up to three. She started acting condescending. 

"So, you live in Virginia?"

"Yes, I do."

"Well, that's not a surrogacy-friendly state."

"It's not? I thought it was...."

"No. It's not. You should really live closer to your intended parents."

(What, did she expect me to up and live next door to her while I was growing her kid(s)?")

"Well, uh... Maryland's only 4 hours from me. I'm willing to travel as long as my gas is compensated."

"That's a pretty far drive. How will you take off from work? What do you do?"

"Oh, it's not that bad. I like to drive. All I would need to do is let my manager know a week or so in advance. And I'm a waitress."

"Oh so you don't make a lot of money."

(Really?!)

"Ha, well, no. Not a lot. But I get by pretty good. I've been there almost 4 years."

"Huh."

"Yeah."

"Well, what if it's a last-minute need to drive?"

"Well, it's really easy to release shifts to other servers. People are always willing to pick up."

"I see. How will that affect you financially?"

"I actually budget quite well. I'm studying to be an Accountant so I need to practice what I preach! Heh."

"Oh, so you're in school too? How will you have time to be a surrogate?"

"I ... um ... I'm on summer break right now but it's something I can balance quite well. I worked full time right up to the day I had my daughter. I worked two jobs, went to school full time and raised my baby. I'm a full-plate kind of person. I like the challenge!"

"Huh. Well. As you may know, MOST surrogates are stay-at-home moms who rely on their husbands financially."

"Well, I'm different. I've never relied on anyone financially, even my husband when we were together. I'm pretty independent."

"Huh. I see. Well, let me do some research and I'll call you back."

She never called back and I'm glad as hell. She was cold, heartless and almost sounded like she was trying to tell me what to do. Whatever.

I was starting to think this may not work out, especially after one of the three agencies I applied to refused me due to my history of depression.

Who's not depressed in this day and age? Seriously.

But just a few days ago, I got a text from a woman with my area code. She lives in my area, has three kids but had a partial hysterectomy and wants to give a baby to her new husband. We've been talking back and forth and we're really hitting it off. She said they don't have a lot of money but I said I was negotiable. As far as I see it, I want to do this, she wants to do this, we live in the same CITY so no traveling for either of us and even if I take a pay cut to do this, it will benefit me. How? Well, if I've already completed one successful surrogacy, I'll be more of a prize to others or to agencies. It's a win win for everyone! And it doesn't hurt that his lady is kind, compassionate and is the opposite of condescending. It seems we all want the same end game, so that's what's making me think she's the one.

She still needs to find out if she's able to have her eggs harvested, but from the research I've done since our last conversation, she shouldn't have any problems. I told her that I still need to find out if my oven is fit for baking. I'm sure we'll know something soon :)

Crossing my fingers. Wish me luck!

(20 DPO) - Sick kitty...

AF is officially three days late. Come on, now. This is ridiculous. In the meantime, I'm so tired I can't keep my eyes open. I nearly fell asleep at the wheel on the way to drop off my rental and get my car from the shop. That's a pregnancy sign for sure, but I still don't believe this is viable. I'm so bummed out. I just wish AF would pop up and give me a break. See that test? Yeah, that was my FMU from this morning. Nadda, right? I keep thinking I see a line but it's most likely just my imagination. Go figure.

In the meantime, Tubbs, our 16-pound kitty, has become very sick. A week or so ago, she started peeing on my daughter's bed, prompting a lot of bleaching, spraying and cleaning on my end. She kept returning to the bed and spraying. Yes, she's spayed. We decided the best option was to close our daughter's bedroom door and have her sleep with us for a few nights while we work on the problem. After all, it's not like we don't have a car accident situation to deal with, a lawyer meet-up and a serious lack of funds due to me missing work to worry over. A cat peeing in inappropriate places was the least of our worries.

Once we closed the door to SJ's bedroom, Tubbs went right into the bathroom and peed all over the floor, one foot away from her litter box. What a spiteful little thing, we thought. My husband reacted by tossing her on the front porch. She's not an outdoor kitty, mind you, but we live in the country so she wasn't really in danger of getting hit. She sat on the porch and meowed pitifully. After about an hour, I felt pity on the kitty and brought her back in. After that, she decided to behave for a couple days. Then this morning, we woke up to discover her sleeping on the kitchen floor. She looked very rough. It was strange seeing her in the kitchen, since her

normal hang out is on top of the couch in the living room. I petted her and loved on her. We realized she was pretty sick and we needed to get her some help. Since we had to leave early to exchange vehicles, we decided to get it done once we got home. I called ahead to the shelter we adopted her from and let them know we were coming (they have a vet clinic inside). By the time we got back, however, Tubbs was looking even worse. She hadn't moved from her spot on the kitchen floor. Not a good sign.

I moved her over to the couch so she'd be comfy while we got everything together. While my husband was getting our daughter dressed to go see her grandma, I was trying to find our cat carrier. I came back into the living room, stumped, and then I witnessed poor Tubbs attempt to vomit, but all she could get out was bile. Afterwards, she collapsed down the back of the couch. I ran to get her. Her legs were up in the air and she was barely breathing. I said "forget the carrier, I'm getting a blanket." So I grabbed one of SJ's old blankets, wrapped Tubbs up and hurried to the truck. I put her in the seat next to me. She was barely alive at this point. I rushed as fast as I could to the vet clinic, which is pretty hard when you drive a manual and traffic is horrible.

So we get there, I come rushing in, and they tell me to have a seat. After waiting for nearly 45 minutes, I went up to the secretary and told her my cat was near death at this point. They finally rushed her back, but I wasn't allowed to go. I sat in the waiting room for 15 minutes before a nurse came out and told me the prognosis was grim. They didn't know what was wrong with her and they didn't have the facilities to properly care for her since they're a non-profit organization. God. I started crying. They took me back to see her, where they had her hooked up to an IV and an oxygen mask. They told me that her sister, Sissy, the cat we didn't take, was in there a few days prior with the same symptoms. I was relieved to hear it was likely not something we did wrong but I was upset to know we were the ones who separated her from her sister. I had to remind myself that we wanted to take Sissy but she wouldn't go in a box and had an all-around horrible attitude and it was the shelter assistant who said she'd be willing to separate the two.

So we narrowed it down to separation issues or a UTI due to the peeing everywhere or a combination of both. Her temperature had dropped to a dangerous 94 degrees (when normal for a cat is 100-101). I had to sign her over to them since I have $2 to my name. I felt terrible but they re-assured me it was the best thing for her. I made them promise to contact me if she died or if she lived. They said if she lived, they would give me the opportunity to re-adopt her. 

I left the shelter crying. At least I got to say goodbye. I truly felt terrible. I really loved that cat.

(18 DPO) - Dear body, you suck.

So I got my hopes up for nothing. Go figure. I don't know why I do this to myself every cycle. Here's the steps I routinely go through:

1. Get period

2. Eat a lot of sweets, bloat, watch a lot of sad movies, cry

3. Wait for period to be over

4. Go a few days without worrying about TTC

5. Realize I'm on CD 10 and I'm most likely going to ovulate in three days

6. Seduce hubby

7. Fail to seduce hubby

8. Realize I'm on CD 12

9. Panic

10. Attempt seduction of hubby again

11. Succeed

12. Lay with legs in the air, up against the wall for 5-10 minutes

13. Go about my business for a few days

14. Enjoy life without worrying about buying pregnancy tests

15. Realize that pregnancy tests do NOT in fact rule my life

16. Feel empowered to wait until AF arrives or doesn't arrive to test

17. Make secret pact with self to have more self control

18. Realize it's 8 DPO

19. Try had to resist stopping at Dollar General and buying First Signal $1 tests

20. Fail at resisting

21. Take First Signal test, see a line (always, always see a line)

22. Get excited

23. Race out to 24-hour Wal-Mart at 3:00am and buy more $1 tests

24. Take test with FMU on 9 DPO

25. See nothing.

26. Rinse and repeat for a few days

27. Swear I see something on every test

28. Get validation on online message board

29. Drive myself insane

30. Get stared at for purchasing yet another FRER at the local grocery store

31. Stare at the cashier's 8 month + pregnant belly and cringe when I hear her talking about her other four kids

32. Wonder if I'll somehow end up with four kids

33. Test every day until expected AF

34. Get AF

.... Rinse and repeat.

So there you have it! That's exactly what I do each and every cycle. It's becoming depression, exhausting AND expensive.

This cycle I've received some of the most convincing lines I've ever had TTC #2. I've felt so different this cycle and I still believe I might  be in it to win it. Here's what I received with my FMU:

Every time I look at it, I see a faint line. When I tweak it on my phone, the line has pink. It's there. The only question is, is it viable? I decided to try one of my First Signals with my FMU urine as well. Here's what I got:

Not quite what I had yesterday, but when I tone down the brightness on my phone, I see a faint pink line. 

This ish is nuts, yo.

At this point, I should be getting dark damn lines. This isn't fair!

In the mean time, my breasts are so swollen they could be floatation devices. I'm a DD on a good day. They're sore, vein-y and bulbous. That can be an AF sign but it's usually not the case with me. My nip-nips are also visibly darker. 

I guess we'll wait and see.

(14 DPO) - Maybe there's still hope.

Well, the good news is that, according to my calculations, my period should be due today and I'm not feeling crampy or bloated. The bad news is, I took this FRER here with FMU and, although I see a line, I'm pretty damn sure it's an indent. Oh well. Hubby and I only BD'd one time this cycle during my fertile window. I know it only takes once, but it's looking like we missed the mark. I'm not terribly upset about it. I'm actually okay with it considering I'd love to focus more on my weight loss. Speaking of weight loss, I realized something pretty funny. I was looking through my old My Fitness Pal weight check-ins and realized I weighed exactly the same one year ago that I do today. Oh, I only lost and then gained back 30 pounds in that time period. Pssssh. ;) 

But really. I need to focus on this. My husband says that when I get focused on something, I become consumed. I thought he was just being an ass until I thought about it. First it was the extreme couponing. Oh yes, I used to be an extreme couponer. In fact, we're still not out of toothpaste, shampoo, conditioner and body wash from my couponing days ..... which ended almost two years ago.

Don't hate. I know you want to hate, but ... okay, you can hate.

I got really good at that shit. Like super good. See, I'm currently working on my Associates in Accounting. There's a reason for it. I'm quite good at math. I love math. I crave it. I actually do math problems for fun. 

I told you guys I was a nerd before being a nerd was cool.

The high got me going. Yes, I got stuff for free, but not to the extent they do/did on that stupid reality show. Those women were oftentimes frauding the system and using coupons incorrectly, but I didn't. It was pretty typical of me to walk with $300 worth of merchandise and only pay $60. The one thing I always got for free was toothpaste. (yes, I donated a shit load of it). Sadly, I stopped couponing when Kroger stopped double coupons. That's pretty much where a coupon for $0.50 off one item would double to $1.00. They would often have Crest toothpaste on sale 10/$10 (which you didn't have to buy 10 to get the deal, mind you! Buying one would cost you a dollah). Anyway, I would apply my $0.50/1 coupon, make it double, get that ish for free and then make it rain when I got home. It was amazing. The joke amongst my friends was that I "broke" Kroger when I got 200 packs of Huggies baby wipes for free. They stopped doubling their coupons shortly after the heist I pulled. I have no regrets. I love telling this story. You may have climbed Mt. Everest or birthed six babies non-medicated in a water birth or saved a bunch of kiddies from a burning bus, But I got 200 packs of free baby wipes. Listen up. Okay, so, I think I was around 9 months pregnant with my baby. I was hot, it was the worst summer heat on record, and I was waddling at a speed of negative five miles per hour. I was done. And I had my couponing book. I had spent the past 9 months couponing for baby supplies and getting quite a nice collection going. I had even dumpster-dived until I was about six months and my belly was too big to reach in. (before you judge me, I only went to recycle-bin dumpsters, so no nasty stuff! ... although people looked at me weird like I was a pregnant homeless lady). Anyway.

My local grocery store, Kroger, was running this awesome sale on Huggies baby wipes, 5/$5, making them $1 each. That's a great deal on its own, truly. For a pack of 70 wipes, they were normally $2.15 a piece without the sale. I was on one of my favorite coupon websites and discovered that the Huggies website was putting out a high-value $1 off 1 Huggies wipe pack, 70 count or more (you have to pay attention to that). The website allowed you to print off two of the same coupon from your IP address PER DAY, so I did so. Hallelujah, two free packs! 

Then I got greedy. (Hey, I was poor and I was about to have a baby, cut me some slack!)

I'm still poor but that's besides the point.

So I went to my local library around the corner. I used a guest pass and went to each open computer and printed off the coupons. Each page cost me $0.05, so you can argue I didn't get the wipes 100% free, but whatevs. I got four coupons on each page, so essentially, I paid $0.05 per four packs. 

No, the librarians didn't mind as long as I paid for what I printed.

So I went back to the library for five days, printing off as many as I could get away with. The library was on my way to work so I didn't have to waste gas.

Once I had my 200 coupons clipped and ready to go, I set forth to my Kroger. They had just re-stocked their shelves. I grabbed around 75 wipes, making sure I was getting them in increments of fives AND I made sure not to clear the shelf because that's really rude.

The cashier absolutely loved me ;)

But really. I was polite, apologized for the craziness, and handed her my coupons.

I walked with 75 free wipes.

I repeated this at three other Krogers, all within the area so I didn't waste gas. They didn't all have enough for me get what I needed without clearing the shelves. But over the course of three or four days, I got all the wipes I set out to get.

Damn, I miss couponing. I think I might pick it up again, but honestly, I just don't have the time... between working full-time, raising an almost two-year-old, raising a husband (am I right, ladies?), paying bills, going to college ... there's just not enough time in the world.

And I wonder why I want another baby.

Oh yes. Yes yes yes yes. More of this, please.

On a lighter note, we may be heading to Tampa, Florida with our family in September. We're going to visit my husband's stepfather's mother. She lives twenty minutes from the beach and damnit, I'm ready to see the ocean. I haven't been to the beach in nine years. And that was a shitty situation, let me tell ya. I was 18 and I went with my then-boyfriend and we fought the whole time we were there. His car broke down too. It was a nightmare. So I'm ready to just have a fun, family-filled much-needed vacation. So my new goal is to be back down to at least 190 by the time we go. That's 26 pounds to lose in 13 weeks... so that's 2 pounds per week! It's not entirely unobtainable. Difficult, but doable, y'anknowwhatimsayin?

I can do this.

(13 DPO) - Ready to throw in the towel.

UPDATE: SMU FRER with a real squinter later down the post.

 

None of my real-life friends know I'm a POAS-addict. In fact, none of my real-life friends are trying to have kids. My best friend is pregnant after loosely trying for one month. She doesn't know what DPO or FRER mean. She doesn't need to. Pregnancy comes naturally for her. The same thing happened with her first kiddo.

My other friends are all party animals who are too busy getting drunk after work to worry about kids. My close friend said to me the other day, and I quote, "Jeez, I couldn't imagine trying to get pregnant. That sounds like a damn nightmare."

Yeah, I guess it would be.... the poor fetus would die of alcohol poisoning at 12DPO.

Heh. Bad humor.

But really. Sometimes it's lonely here in TTC land. That's why I heavily rely on the encouragement of strangers - other women out there who are in the same boat as me. It can take the edge off.

There is one woman I know who kinda knows what's up. She's young and married, like me, and she also has PCOS - but the skinny kind (I hate her). She's a beautiful bean pole who struggles with infertility. Her and her hubby have been NT/NP for a few years now and she sometimes complains to me about it. She once joked about her husband's cluelessness. She was late for her period and hadn't tested yet. She told him she was late and he said "But ... we haven't had sex for like two weeks! If you're pregnant, it's not mine!" to which she replied, "Honey, you can have sex with someone and a week later be pregnant by them. It happens."

"What? Women are g-damn witches. I tell ya what. Always trying to get their eggo preggo."

Silliness.

So today, I went to her with a photo I took of my SMU test from this morning. I told her I had a friend online who had posted the image and wanted opinions. I hope she didn't see right through that.

She squinted hard and said, "So your friend thinks she sees a line? She's imagining things."

I pointed out where the line was. She said, "Uh, when you told me it was faint, I thought you meant still visible. There's nothing there."

My heart sank. I had women on two different boards tell me they saw the line, yet my real-life friend broke my heart. 

Here's the test in question. It was taken after 5 minutes in natural light, SMU of course. I felt like it gave a better result than my FMU.

If this is a real pregnancy, it's not likely a viable one. When I Google 13DPO faint, super light lines, the lines I see are 100x darker than mine.

Sigh.

The only good news is that I haven't spotted yet. My boobs are still swollen and veiny. My nipples are a little dark, which is new. 

AF is due tomorrow .... ish. Tomorrow or Tuesday. I kinda just wish this was over already so I can move on. Ugh.

On a final note, I think I need to join Peesticks Anonymous. I'm ashamed to admit how many HPTs I've taken over the past five days... only I and my dumpster know for sure. I'll never tell.