(20 DPO) - Sick kitty...

AF is officially three days late. Come on, now. This is ridiculous. In the meantime, I'm so tired I can't keep my eyes open. I nearly fell asleep at the wheel on the way to drop off my rental and get my car from the shop. That's a pregnancy sign for sure, but I still don't believe this is viable. I'm so bummed out. I just wish AF would pop up and give me a break. See that test? Yeah, that was my FMU from this morning. Nadda, right? I keep thinking I see a line but it's most likely just my imagination. Go figure.

In the meantime, Tubbs, our 16-pound kitty, has become very sick. A week or so ago, she started peeing on my daughter's bed, prompting a lot of bleaching, spraying and cleaning on my end. She kept returning to the bed and spraying. Yes, she's spayed. We decided the best option was to close our daughter's bedroom door and have her sleep with us for a few nights while we work on the problem. After all, it's not like we don't have a car accident situation to deal with, a lawyer meet-up and a serious lack of funds due to me missing work to worry over. A cat peeing in inappropriate places was the least of our worries.

Once we closed the door to SJ's bedroom, Tubbs went right into the bathroom and peed all over the floor, one foot away from her litter box. What a spiteful little thing, we thought. My husband reacted by tossing her on the front porch. She's not an outdoor kitty, mind you, but we live in the country so she wasn't really in danger of getting hit. She sat on the porch and meowed pitifully. After about an hour, I felt pity on the kitty and brought her back in. After that, she decided to behave for a couple days. Then this morning, we woke up to discover her sleeping on the kitchen floor. She looked very rough. It was strange seeing her in the kitchen, since her

normal hang out is on top of the couch in the living room. I petted her and loved on her. We realized she was pretty sick and we needed to get her some help. Since we had to leave early to exchange vehicles, we decided to get it done once we got home. I called ahead to the shelter we adopted her from and let them know we were coming (they have a vet clinic inside). By the time we got back, however, Tubbs was looking even worse. She hadn't moved from her spot on the kitchen floor. Not a good sign.

I moved her over to the couch so she'd be comfy while we got everything together. While my husband was getting our daughter dressed to go see her grandma, I was trying to find our cat carrier. I came back into the living room, stumped, and then I witnessed poor Tubbs attempt to vomit, but all she could get out was bile. Afterwards, she collapsed down the back of the couch. I ran to get her. Her legs were up in the air and she was barely breathing. I said "forget the carrier, I'm getting a blanket." So I grabbed one of SJ's old blankets, wrapped Tubbs up and hurried to the truck. I put her in the seat next to me. She was barely alive at this point. I rushed as fast as I could to the vet clinic, which is pretty hard when you drive a manual and traffic is horrible.

So we get there, I come rushing in, and they tell me to have a seat. After waiting for nearly 45 minutes, I went up to the secretary and told her my cat was near death at this point. They finally rushed her back, but I wasn't allowed to go. I sat in the waiting room for 15 minutes before a nurse came out and told me the prognosis was grim. They didn't know what was wrong with her and they didn't have the facilities to properly care for her since they're a non-profit organization. God. I started crying. They took me back to see her, where they had her hooked up to an IV and an oxygen mask. They told me that her sister, Sissy, the cat we didn't take, was in there a few days prior with the same symptoms. I was relieved to hear it was likely not something we did wrong but I was upset to know we were the ones who separated her from her sister. I had to remind myself that we wanted to take Sissy but she wouldn't go in a box and had an all-around horrible attitude and it was the shelter assistant who said she'd be willing to separate the two.

So we narrowed it down to separation issues or a UTI due to the peeing everywhere or a combination of both. Her temperature had dropped to a dangerous 94 degrees (when normal for a cat is 100-101). I had to sign her over to them since I have $2 to my name. I felt terrible but they re-assured me it was the best thing for her. I made them promise to contact me if she died or if she lived. They said if she lived, they would give me the opportunity to re-adopt her. 

I left the shelter crying. At least I got to say goodbye. I truly felt terrible. I really loved that cat.

(18 DPO) - Dear body, you suck.

So I got my hopes up for nothing. Go figure. I don't know why I do this to myself every cycle. Here's the steps I routinely go through:

1. Get period

2. Eat a lot of sweets, bloat, watch a lot of sad movies, cry

3. Wait for period to be over

4. Go a few days without worrying about TTC

5. Realize I'm on CD 10 and I'm most likely going to ovulate in three days

6. Seduce hubby

7. Fail to seduce hubby

8. Realize I'm on CD 12

9. Panic

10. Attempt seduction of hubby again

11. Succeed

12. Lay with legs in the air, up against the wall for 5-10 minutes

13. Go about my business for a few days

14. Enjoy life without worrying about buying pregnancy tests

15. Realize that pregnancy tests do NOT in fact rule my life

16. Feel empowered to wait until AF arrives or doesn't arrive to test

17. Make secret pact with self to have more self control

18. Realize it's 8 DPO

19. Try had to resist stopping at Dollar General and buying First Signal $1 tests

20. Fail at resisting

21. Take First Signal test, see a line (always, always see a line)

22. Get excited

23. Race out to 24-hour Wal-Mart at 3:00am and buy more $1 tests

24. Take test with FMU on 9 DPO

25. See nothing.

26. Rinse and repeat for a few days

27. Swear I see something on every test

28. Get validation on online message board

29. Drive myself insane

30. Get stared at for purchasing yet another FRER at the local grocery store

31. Stare at the cashier's 8 month + pregnant belly and cringe when I hear her talking about her other four kids

32. Wonder if I'll somehow end up with four kids

33. Test every day until expected AF

34. Get AF

.... Rinse and repeat.

So there you have it! That's exactly what I do each and every cycle. It's becoming depression, exhausting AND expensive.

This cycle I've received some of the most convincing lines I've ever had TTC #2. I've felt so different this cycle and I still believe I might  be in it to win it. Here's what I received with my FMU:

Every time I look at it, I see a faint line. When I tweak it on my phone, the line has pink. It's there. The only question is, is it viable? I decided to try one of my First Signals with my FMU urine as well. Here's what I got:

Not quite what I had yesterday, but when I tone down the brightness on my phone, I see a faint pink line. 

This ish is nuts, yo.

At this point, I should be getting dark damn lines. This isn't fair!

In the mean time, my breasts are so swollen they could be floatation devices. I'm a DD on a good day. They're sore, vein-y and bulbous. That can be an AF sign but it's usually not the case with me. My nip-nips are also visibly darker. 

I guess we'll wait and see.

(17 DPO) - AF is due today!

I'm pretty excited about AF being absent. She may very well pop up but for now, she's late. I've been pretty cranky and crampy today, most of the cramps fixated in my lower back. I tried drinking Diet Coke at work and it tasted kinda off, but that's not uncommon for my place of employment if you catch my drift ANYWAY, it tasted funny so I tried the Minute Maid Lemonade and it too tasted off. I tried eating a biscuit and it tasted funny too. I figured they can't all be off so I took a test after work and got this.

Am I imagining things or is there a line there? If there is a line, shouldn't it be much darker since today's my AF day? Maybe I got my O date wrong... after all, I only go with my body's gut feelings.

Either way... my husband doesn't know yet. I don't want to get him all excited or worked up right now so we'll see. 

On a side note, I'm meeting with a lawyer on Monday to discuss the hit and run case. If the off chance is I'm pregnant, I wonder if we can include that in the settlement options. Who knows. 

Well, I'm exhausted. Goodnight y'all!

EDIT: I inverted it just for fun.

 Edit again: It must be a placebo effect but I'm getting a headache. I'm also feeling nauseous. Oh, and I have heartburn. Yeah. It has to be placebo.

It's taking every ounce of restrain not to go buy a FRER from our local 24 hour Wal-Mart. They're $8.98 for a two pack! ...... with a $2 off coupon! So they come to $3.50 a piece. But damn, my toddler's still not asleep and it takes 20 minutes to get to Wally World.... ah, I'll wait til tomorrow.

(13 DPO) - Ready to throw in the towel.

UPDATE: SMU FRER with a real squinter later down the post.

 

None of my real-life friends know I'm a POAS-addict. In fact, none of my real-life friends are trying to have kids. My best friend is pregnant after loosely trying for one month. She doesn't know what DPO or FRER mean. She doesn't need to. Pregnancy comes naturally for her. The same thing happened with her first kiddo.

My other friends are all party animals who are too busy getting drunk after work to worry about kids. My close friend said to me the other day, and I quote, "Jeez, I couldn't imagine trying to get pregnant. That sounds like a damn nightmare."

Yeah, I guess it would be.... the poor fetus would die of alcohol poisoning at 12DPO.

Heh. Bad humor.

But really. Sometimes it's lonely here in TTC land. That's why I heavily rely on the encouragement of strangers - other women out there who are in the same boat as me. It can take the edge off.

There is one woman I know who kinda knows what's up. She's young and married, like me, and she also has PCOS - but the skinny kind (I hate her). She's a beautiful bean pole who struggles with infertility. Her and her hubby have been NT/NP for a few years now and she sometimes complains to me about it. She once joked about her husband's cluelessness. She was late for her period and hadn't tested yet. She told him she was late and he said "But ... we haven't had sex for like two weeks! If you're pregnant, it's not mine!" to which she replied, "Honey, you can have sex with someone and a week later be pregnant by them. It happens."

"What? Women are g-damn witches. I tell ya what. Always trying to get their eggo preggo."

Silliness.

So today, I went to her with a photo I took of my SMU test from this morning. I told her I had a friend online who had posted the image and wanted opinions. I hope she didn't see right through that.

She squinted hard and said, "So your friend thinks she sees a line? She's imagining things."

I pointed out where the line was. She said, "Uh, when you told me it was faint, I thought you meant still visible. There's nothing there."

My heart sank. I had women on two different boards tell me they saw the line, yet my real-life friend broke my heart. 

Here's the test in question. It was taken after 5 minutes in natural light, SMU of course. I felt like it gave a better result than my FMU.

If this is a real pregnancy, it's not likely a viable one. When I Google 13DPO faint, super light lines, the lines I see are 100x darker than mine.

Sigh.

The only good news is that I haven't spotted yet. My boobs are still swollen and veiny. My nipples are a little dark, which is new. 

AF is due tomorrow .... ish. Tomorrow or Tuesday. I kinda just wish this was over already so I can move on. Ugh.

On a final note, I think I need to join Peesticks Anonymous. I'm ashamed to admit how many HPTs I've taken over the past five days... only I and my dumpster know for sure. I'll never tell.