(18 DPO) - Dear body, you suck.

So I got my hopes up for nothing. Go figure. I don't know why I do this to myself every cycle. Here's the steps I routinely go through:

1. Get period

2. Eat a lot of sweets, bloat, watch a lot of sad movies, cry

3. Wait for period to be over

4. Go a few days without worrying about TTC

5. Realize I'm on CD 10 and I'm most likely going to ovulate in three days

6. Seduce hubby

7. Fail to seduce hubby

8. Realize I'm on CD 12

9. Panic

10. Attempt seduction of hubby again

11. Succeed

12. Lay with legs in the air, up against the wall for 5-10 minutes

13. Go about my business for a few days

14. Enjoy life without worrying about buying pregnancy tests

15. Realize that pregnancy tests do NOT in fact rule my life

16. Feel empowered to wait until AF arrives or doesn't arrive to test

17. Make secret pact with self to have more self control

18. Realize it's 8 DPO

19. Try had to resist stopping at Dollar General and buying First Signal $1 tests

20. Fail at resisting

21. Take First Signal test, see a line (always, always see a line)

22. Get excited

23. Race out to 24-hour Wal-Mart at 3:00am and buy more $1 tests

24. Take test with FMU on 9 DPO

25. See nothing.

26. Rinse and repeat for a few days

27. Swear I see something on every test

28. Get validation on online message board

29. Drive myself insane

30. Get stared at for purchasing yet another FRER at the local grocery store

31. Stare at the cashier's 8 month + pregnant belly and cringe when I hear her talking about her other four kids

32. Wonder if I'll somehow end up with four kids

33. Test every day until expected AF

34. Get AF

.... Rinse and repeat.

So there you have it! That's exactly what I do each and every cycle. It's becoming depression, exhausting AND expensive.

This cycle I've received some of the most convincing lines I've ever had TTC #2. I've felt so different this cycle and I still believe I might  be in it to win it. Here's what I received with my FMU:

Every time I look at it, I see a faint line. When I tweak it on my phone, the line has pink. It's there. The only question is, is it viable? I decided to try one of my First Signals with my FMU urine as well. Here's what I got:

Not quite what I had yesterday, but when I tone down the brightness on my phone, I see a faint pink line. 

This ish is nuts, yo.

At this point, I should be getting dark damn lines. This isn't fair!

In the mean time, my breasts are so swollen they could be floatation devices. I'm a DD on a good day. They're sore, vein-y and bulbous. That can be an AF sign but it's usually not the case with me. My nip-nips are also visibly darker. 

I guess we'll wait and see.

(14 DPO) - Maybe there's still hope.

Well, the good news is that, according to my calculations, my period should be due today and I'm not feeling crampy or bloated. The bad news is, I took this FRER here with FMU and, although I see a line, I'm pretty damn sure it's an indent. Oh well. Hubby and I only BD'd one time this cycle during my fertile window. I know it only takes once, but it's looking like we missed the mark. I'm not terribly upset about it. I'm actually okay with it considering I'd love to focus more on my weight loss. Speaking of weight loss, I realized something pretty funny. I was looking through my old My Fitness Pal weight check-ins and realized I weighed exactly the same one year ago that I do today. Oh, I only lost and then gained back 30 pounds in that time period. Pssssh. ;) 

But really. I need to focus on this. My husband says that when I get focused on something, I become consumed. I thought he was just being an ass until I thought about it. First it was the extreme couponing. Oh yes, I used to be an extreme couponer. In fact, we're still not out of toothpaste, shampoo, conditioner and body wash from my couponing days ..... which ended almost two years ago.

Don't hate. I know you want to hate, but ... okay, you can hate.

I got really good at that shit. Like super good. See, I'm currently working on my Associates in Accounting. There's a reason for it. I'm quite good at math. I love math. I crave it. I actually do math problems for fun. 

I told you guys I was a nerd before being a nerd was cool.

The high got me going. Yes, I got stuff for free, but not to the extent they do/did on that stupid reality show. Those women were oftentimes frauding the system and using coupons incorrectly, but I didn't. It was pretty typical of me to walk with $300 worth of merchandise and only pay $60. The one thing I always got for free was toothpaste. (yes, I donated a shit load of it). Sadly, I stopped couponing when Kroger stopped double coupons. That's pretty much where a coupon for $0.50 off one item would double to $1.00. They would often have Crest toothpaste on sale 10/$10 (which you didn't have to buy 10 to get the deal, mind you! Buying one would cost you a dollah). Anyway, I would apply my $0.50/1 coupon, make it double, get that ish for free and then make it rain when I got home. It was amazing. The joke amongst my friends was that I "broke" Kroger when I got 200 packs of Huggies baby wipes for free. They stopped doubling their coupons shortly after the heist I pulled. I have no regrets. I love telling this story. You may have climbed Mt. Everest or birthed six babies non-medicated in a water birth or saved a bunch of kiddies from a burning bus, But I got 200 packs of free baby wipes. Listen up. Okay, so, I think I was around 9 months pregnant with my baby. I was hot, it was the worst summer heat on record, and I was waddling at a speed of negative five miles per hour. I was done. And I had my couponing book. I had spent the past 9 months couponing for baby supplies and getting quite a nice collection going. I had even dumpster-dived until I was about six months and my belly was too big to reach in. (before you judge me, I only went to recycle-bin dumpsters, so no nasty stuff! ... although people looked at me weird like I was a pregnant homeless lady). Anyway.

My local grocery store, Kroger, was running this awesome sale on Huggies baby wipes, 5/$5, making them $1 each. That's a great deal on its own, truly. For a pack of 70 wipes, they were normally $2.15 a piece without the sale. I was on one of my favorite coupon websites and discovered that the Huggies website was putting out a high-value $1 off 1 Huggies wipe pack, 70 count or more (you have to pay attention to that). The website allowed you to print off two of the same coupon from your IP address PER DAY, so I did so. Hallelujah, two free packs! 

Then I got greedy. (Hey, I was poor and I was about to have a baby, cut me some slack!)

I'm still poor but that's besides the point.

So I went to my local library around the corner. I used a guest pass and went to each open computer and printed off the coupons. Each page cost me $0.05, so you can argue I didn't get the wipes 100% free, but whatevs. I got four coupons on each page, so essentially, I paid $0.05 per four packs. 

No, the librarians didn't mind as long as I paid for what I printed.

So I went back to the library for five days, printing off as many as I could get away with. The library was on my way to work so I didn't have to waste gas.

Once I had my 200 coupons clipped and ready to go, I set forth to my Kroger. They had just re-stocked their shelves. I grabbed around 75 wipes, making sure I was getting them in increments of fives AND I made sure not to clear the shelf because that's really rude.

The cashier absolutely loved me ;)

But really. I was polite, apologized for the craziness, and handed her my coupons.

I walked with 75 free wipes.

I repeated this at three other Krogers, all within the area so I didn't waste gas. They didn't all have enough for me get what I needed without clearing the shelves. But over the course of three or four days, I got all the wipes I set out to get.

Damn, I miss couponing. I think I might pick it up again, but honestly, I just don't have the time... between working full-time, raising an almost two-year-old, raising a husband (am I right, ladies?), paying bills, going to college ... there's just not enough time in the world.

And I wonder why I want another baby.

Oh yes. Yes yes yes yes. More of this, please.

On a lighter note, we may be heading to Tampa, Florida with our family in September. We're going to visit my husband's stepfather's mother. She lives twenty minutes from the beach and damnit, I'm ready to see the ocean. I haven't been to the beach in nine years. And that was a shitty situation, let me tell ya. I was 18 and I went with my then-boyfriend and we fought the whole time we were there. His car broke down too. It was a nightmare. So I'm ready to just have a fun, family-filled much-needed vacation. So my new goal is to be back down to at least 190 by the time we go. That's 26 pounds to lose in 13 weeks... so that's 2 pounds per week! It's not entirely unobtainable. Difficult, but doable, y'anknowwhatimsayin?

I can do this.

(12 DPO) - Not much to look at.

Whoa, I had no idea I could position the image to be on the left side of the text! I'm gonna abuse the heck out of this option. Anyway, today's Father's Day and I'm 12 DPO. You would think that's the perfect combo for a Father's Day BFP. But no, not for me. So much for that.

Although the ladies on the message board said they saw a line, I really don't see much. I see a line but I figure it's probably an indent. Did I have a very early chemical or do I need to check myself into the looney bin?

On a side note, I had a dream last night that I was in jail and I took a pregnancy test in front of all the other inmates. It turned up positive immediately and everyone started celebrating.

Did I mention I've been binge-watching the second season of Orange is the New Black? 

(11 DPO) - Queen of the squinters.

Today I'm approximately 11 DPO.

This FRER was taken with a 5-hour hold. I really don't see a difference between this one and the 7-hour hold FRER from last night. I suppose it's too early to tell. Again, ladies on the message board said they saw a line. Ugh, I'm gonna go crazy again!

(10 DPO) - Here we go again.

Today I'm approximately 10 DPO. I just worked a 7-hour shift at work without peeing. I know my bladder's gonna sue me one day for putting it through so much stress. Honestly, when I'm really busy taking care of  my tables, I either forget to pee or I simply don't have enough time.

Anyway, I remembered I had a FRER in my purse and decided to give it a whirl.

I swear I see something here. I know I do. And please forgive the dank, scary bathroom shot and the hideous yellow walls. I promise I wasn't in a brothel or in the back of a cigarette shop.

EDIT: I posted this one on a message board I frequent and I had a handful of ladies say they saw the line! YAY! :)

I'm trying not to get my hopes up again .... it's so hard to do.

(14 DPO) - My eggo is not prego.

I woke up this morning and took two tests - a FRER and a Clearblue Digi. The FRER gave me the exact same result yesterday gave me. The digi gave me a nice slice of "I-already-know".

Well fuck you very much, Clearblue.

My moods have been all over the place. I'm annoyed, weepy and ready to move past this.

I did take a First Signal with SMU and got, you guessed it, a ridiculously faint line. Jesus, take the wheel here, man - no more super faint "is it there?" lines. Either give me a full-blown line or nothing at all. Sheesh.

Remember how I said I wasn't spotting? Well, now I am. Just a tiny, tiny bit. So I assume AF is rearing her ugly head sometime tomorrow. 

In the mean time, I enjoyed a day out with my husband and daughter. We went to get ice cream and then to the park. I took my camera, like I always do, and snapped a million shots of the two of them. My husband took the camera from me and said I needed to be in some too or I would regret it. 

And I regretted it.

Ugh, beached whale alert.

I decided I would no longer put off the inevitable. I've known for a while now that my weight-loss success from a few months ago had gone the wrong direction. So after seeing the hideous full-body shots of me, I dug out our scale from the back of the closet. The poor thing used to get stepped on daily when I was obsessing over my weight loss. Today was the first time it had seen the light of day in a long time. So I stepped on it ... mind you, this was at 9:30pm so I realize I'll weigh a bit more than I would have this morning ... and goddamnit, I've put 25 pounds back on. Disgusting.

PCOS is a bitch. There, I said it. I can literally eat a fourth of what my average-sized husband eats and I'll still weigh 30 pounds more than him. There was a time last year when we were only 4 pounds apart and I was *this close* to being less than him.... then the weight loss started creeping back up. Oh so slowly. The only reason I noticed it was because I weighed myself every morning after I peed.

Oh but you're not supposed to weigh yourself every day, you silly goose!

When it's super fucking easy for you to put on weight due to a horrible hormone imbalance, yes, you need to weigh every day to stay on top of it.

 I estimate my highest weight was around 250 pounds, around 5 years ago. If you read my original post, you know I used to be 140 pounds in high school. And I'm pretty tall... 5'8'' in fact. So 140 was healthy. I had an hourglass shape and I looked damn good. Too bad I didn't know it at the time... like all melodramatic teenage girls, I thought I was a fat whore. A fat ... virgin ... whore. I don't know.

Anyway, after months and months of extreme dieting and exercise, I got myself down to 205 pounds and then became pregnant. My weight fluctuated quite a bit in my first trimester due to the fact I had hyperemesis gravidarum, meaning I was throwing up so bad I couldn't hold down water. 

I actually kept it up until about six months, but don't worry, my baby made sure to absorb absolutely everything I didn't throw up. I was the hangry-est pregnant lady in the history of hangry pregnant ladies. Hangry.

The day I gave birth, I weighed 224 pounds. 7.5 pounds of that was baby. And I'm pretty pleased to admit I wore my regular shorts the whole summer. I was all baby (and boobs). A few days after having her, I was about 210. I let it go for about a year because I had to go right back to working full-time and I was stressed. New baby, no sleep, you know the drill. Anyway, I got back up to 220 without doing much eating at all. I then went back on a strict diet and exercise plan, along with getting prescribed Metformin from my doctor. During the fall last year, I tried out the no-carb diet, thinking it was a sham. I lost 9 pounds in a week, mostly water weight... but god, it was hard. I stopped that diet (why? I love carbs too much) and I busted my ass at the gym and got all the way down to 190 pounds. I plateaued. I couldn't get to 189.9. I was so aggravated.

That's when the pounds started coming back, like they always have.

And I've been eating poorly ever since, because fuck it. I also had a desk job for the past six months. I quit because working for a bank sucks when you have to refer products to angry old ladies and expect to keep those numbers up all day. So now I'm back to working full-time as a waitress. I'm so glad I kept that job on the weekends... it feels so much better walking again. When I was at the desk job, I could feel myself getting fatter just staring at my screen. However, I walk about 2-3 miles per shift at the restaurant.

After seeing the pictures tonight, I'm ready to try again. I stepped on the scale and saw 215 staring back at me. I know it's bad, my god, but I honestly, truly thought it would be worse. I thought I would see 235 staring back at me. 

And I need to remind myself that my doctor said it was the weight loss and the abrupt stopping of the birth control pills that likely caused me to get pregnant. I'm going to start focusing on my weight again and getting healthy. I have to.

Maybe I will do the no-carb thing again .... it worked the first time and it's really good for women with PCOS due to our insulin resistance. 

I'll keep you updated. Whether you like it or not.

(13 DPO) - Ready to throw in the towel.

UPDATE: SMU FRER with a real squinter later down the post.

 

None of my real-life friends know I'm a POAS-addict. In fact, none of my real-life friends are trying to have kids. My best friend is pregnant after loosely trying for one month. She doesn't know what DPO or FRER mean. She doesn't need to. Pregnancy comes naturally for her. The same thing happened with her first kiddo.

My other friends are all party animals who are too busy getting drunk after work to worry about kids. My close friend said to me the other day, and I quote, "Jeez, I couldn't imagine trying to get pregnant. That sounds like a damn nightmare."

Yeah, I guess it would be.... the poor fetus would die of alcohol poisoning at 12DPO.

Heh. Bad humor.

But really. Sometimes it's lonely here in TTC land. That's why I heavily rely on the encouragement of strangers - other women out there who are in the same boat as me. It can take the edge off.

There is one woman I know who kinda knows what's up. She's young and married, like me, and she also has PCOS - but the skinny kind (I hate her). She's a beautiful bean pole who struggles with infertility. Her and her hubby have been NT/NP for a few years now and she sometimes complains to me about it. She once joked about her husband's cluelessness. She was late for her period and hadn't tested yet. She told him she was late and he said "But ... we haven't had sex for like two weeks! If you're pregnant, it's not mine!" to which she replied, "Honey, you can have sex with someone and a week later be pregnant by them. It happens."

"What? Women are g-damn witches. I tell ya what. Always trying to get their eggo preggo."

Silliness.

So today, I went to her with a photo I took of my SMU test from this morning. I told her I had a friend online who had posted the image and wanted opinions. I hope she didn't see right through that.

She squinted hard and said, "So your friend thinks she sees a line? She's imagining things."

I pointed out where the line was. She said, "Uh, when you told me it was faint, I thought you meant still visible. There's nothing there."

My heart sank. I had women on two different boards tell me they saw the line, yet my real-life friend broke my heart. 

Here's the test in question. It was taken after 5 minutes in natural light, SMU of course. I felt like it gave a better result than my FMU.

If this is a real pregnancy, it's not likely a viable one. When I Google 13DPO faint, super light lines, the lines I see are 100x darker than mine.

Sigh.

The only good news is that I haven't spotted yet. My boobs are still swollen and veiny. My nipples are a little dark, which is new. 

AF is due tomorrow .... ish. Tomorrow or Tuesday. I kinda just wish this was over already so I can move on. Ugh.

On a final note, I think I need to join Peesticks Anonymous. I'm ashamed to admit how many HPTs I've taken over the past five days... only I and my dumpster know for sure. I'll never tell.

(13 DPO) - Is there still hope?

So I was less-than-eager to get up this morning and pee. For one, I had stayed up until 2:30am this morning reading blogs and I know I went to the bathroom at some point but I don't know when. Point being, I woke up this morning around 8:30am and had no idea if it had been 8 hours or 5 hours since my last wee. (I'm not British, by the way, but I do love their word usage!)

I peed in my faithful Oreo cup and dipped my FRER. That was when my husband, of course, came tromping down the hallway, demanding to have the bathroom because he was "running late" (yeah okay) so I had to very quickly dump my pee cup in the toilet and stuff my just-dipped FRER in my sports bra and bolt out of there.

Being the clumsy one that I am, I stubbed my toe on the door and yelled out in agony.

I'm still trying to keep it a secret from him if you can't tell. Here's to a Fathers Day surprise! (crossing fingers)

I'm unsure if the immediate movement would affect the test, but I checked it anyway. I put it up to the living room lamp and swore I could see the faintest of second lines.

 

But I'm probably imagining it. I'm so over this. I've been getting the same result for at least three days now.

What is it they say? hCG doubles every 24-36 hours? I think someone tacked on the 36 just to make women feel better when it's clear nothing is really working out for them. All I usually see are beautiful progressions, starting from 9DPO with a very faint line, getting beautifully darker as each day passes.

It's such bullshit.

If I'm pregnant, why can't I just get a nice fat bold line? I'm so tired of this game.

Time for a pity party.

(11 DPO) - Ugh. That's all I have to say.

So I'm getting aggravated.

Shouldn't the lines be darker?

The following two tests were taken with SMU. I set them on the window ledge to get a natural-light photo. The lines were visable in person but oh so light. I'm getting worried about another chemical pregnancy.

I just hope they get darker... I don't know if I can handle more heartache.

(10 DPO) - Can you see it?

I took a FRER this afternoon with a three-hour hold and got this.

Some ladies on a board I frequent seemed to think they see a very, very faint line.

I'm so excited!

My lower back is killing me and I'm crampy. Yes, these are AF symptoms, but they're also pregnancy symptoms.

Oh I hope I don't get my hopes up...