(13 DPO) - Ready to throw in the towel.

UPDATE: SMU FRER with a real squinter later down the post.

 

None of my real-life friends know I'm a POAS-addict. In fact, none of my real-life friends are trying to have kids. My best friend is pregnant after loosely trying for one month. She doesn't know what DPO or FRER mean. She doesn't need to. Pregnancy comes naturally for her. The same thing happened with her first kiddo.

My other friends are all party animals who are too busy getting drunk after work to worry about kids. My close friend said to me the other day, and I quote, "Jeez, I couldn't imagine trying to get pregnant. That sounds like a damn nightmare."

Yeah, I guess it would be.... the poor fetus would die of alcohol poisoning at 12DPO.

Heh. Bad humor.

But really. Sometimes it's lonely here in TTC land. That's why I heavily rely on the encouragement of strangers - other women out there who are in the same boat as me. It can take the edge off.

There is one woman I know who kinda knows what's up. She's young and married, like me, and she also has PCOS - but the skinny kind (I hate her). She's a beautiful bean pole who struggles with infertility. Her and her hubby have been NT/NP for a few years now and she sometimes complains to me about it. She once joked about her husband's cluelessness. She was late for her period and hadn't tested yet. She told him she was late and he said "But ... we haven't had sex for like two weeks! If you're pregnant, it's not mine!" to which she replied, "Honey, you can have sex with someone and a week later be pregnant by them. It happens."

"What? Women are g-damn witches. I tell ya what. Always trying to get their eggo preggo."

Silliness.

So today, I went to her with a photo I took of my SMU test from this morning. I told her I had a friend online who had posted the image and wanted opinions. I hope she didn't see right through that.

She squinted hard and said, "So your friend thinks she sees a line? She's imagining things."

I pointed out where the line was. She said, "Uh, when you told me it was faint, I thought you meant still visible. There's nothing there."

My heart sank. I had women on two different boards tell me they saw the line, yet my real-life friend broke my heart. 

Here's the test in question. It was taken after 5 minutes in natural light, SMU of course. I felt like it gave a better result than my FMU.

If this is a real pregnancy, it's not likely a viable one. When I Google 13DPO faint, super light lines, the lines I see are 100x darker than mine.

Sigh.

The only good news is that I haven't spotted yet. My boobs are still swollen and veiny. My nipples are a little dark, which is new. 

AF is due tomorrow .... ish. Tomorrow or Tuesday. I kinda just wish this was over already so I can move on. Ugh.

On a final note, I think I need to join Peesticks Anonymous. I'm ashamed to admit how many HPTs I've taken over the past five days... only I and my dumpster know for sure. I'll never tell.

(13 DPO) - Is there still hope?

So I was less-than-eager to get up this morning and pee. For one, I had stayed up until 2:30am this morning reading blogs and I know I went to the bathroom at some point but I don't know when. Point being, I woke up this morning around 8:30am and had no idea if it had been 8 hours or 5 hours since my last wee. (I'm not British, by the way, but I do love their word usage!)

I peed in my faithful Oreo cup and dipped my FRER. That was when my husband, of course, came tromping down the hallway, demanding to have the bathroom because he was "running late" (yeah okay) so I had to very quickly dump my pee cup in the toilet and stuff my just-dipped FRER in my sports bra and bolt out of there.

Being the clumsy one that I am, I stubbed my toe on the door and yelled out in agony.

I'm still trying to keep it a secret from him if you can't tell. Here's to a Fathers Day surprise! (crossing fingers)

I'm unsure if the immediate movement would affect the test, but I checked it anyway. I put it up to the living room lamp and swore I could see the faintest of second lines.

 

But I'm probably imagining it. I'm so over this. I've been getting the same result for at least three days now.

What is it they say? hCG doubles every 24-36 hours? I think someone tacked on the 36 just to make women feel better when it's clear nothing is really working out for them. All I usually see are beautiful progressions, starting from 9DPO with a very faint line, getting beautifully darker as each day passes.

It's such bullshit.

If I'm pregnant, why can't I just get a nice fat bold line? I'm so tired of this game.

Time for a pity party.