(21 DPO) - AF is now 4 days late

Could it be that AF is late only because I'm focused on her being late? I mean, I DO have PCOS and I used to go 6-7 months without a period at all. But she's been on time for 8 months. Maybe this is just a combo breaker. Who knows. In the meantime, here's my FMU from this morning:

There's definitely a faint pink line. This is getting really aggravating. Googling this issue returns little to no answers. Most point to a chemical pregnancy, but they all say that chemicals don't last this long. I've been getting squinters for almost two weeks now. I'm unsure if that's a good sign or a bad sign. I'm just getting pissed off, really.

Speaking of Googling.... you know what really ticks me off? When I'm reading a message board post from a woman with a situation looking for answers. She gets responses with opinions but she never updates. Did you get your freaking BFP or your AF or what?! What happened?? COULD YOU PLEASE ENLIGHTEN ME, YOU JERK. Screw you, Jen247 from October 2008. 

But really, it's annoying. I have found a couple of stories of people getting faint BFPs a week after AF was due. I don't think I'm going to be as lucky. I DID receive a small dot of blood when I wiped today, but I think it may have been from semi-rough love making with the hubby last night. 

Answers. Answers. I want them.

Oh god, my toddler just pulled her diaper off and ran across the room naked. Gotta go.

(20 DPO) - Sick kitty...

AF is officially three days late. Come on, now. This is ridiculous. In the meantime, I'm so tired I can't keep my eyes open. I nearly fell asleep at the wheel on the way to drop off my rental and get my car from the shop. That's a pregnancy sign for sure, but I still don't believe this is viable. I'm so bummed out. I just wish AF would pop up and give me a break. See that test? Yeah, that was my FMU from this morning. Nadda, right? I keep thinking I see a line but it's most likely just my imagination. Go figure.

In the meantime, Tubbs, our 16-pound kitty, has become very sick. A week or so ago, she started peeing on my daughter's bed, prompting a lot of bleaching, spraying and cleaning on my end. She kept returning to the bed and spraying. Yes, she's spayed. We decided the best option was to close our daughter's bedroom door and have her sleep with us for a few nights while we work on the problem. After all, it's not like we don't have a car accident situation to deal with, a lawyer meet-up and a serious lack of funds due to me missing work to worry over. A cat peeing in inappropriate places was the least of our worries.

Once we closed the door to SJ's bedroom, Tubbs went right into the bathroom and peed all over the floor, one foot away from her litter box. What a spiteful little thing, we thought. My husband reacted by tossing her on the front porch. She's not an outdoor kitty, mind you, but we live in the country so she wasn't really in danger of getting hit. She sat on the porch and meowed pitifully. After about an hour, I felt pity on the kitty and brought her back in. After that, she decided to behave for a couple days. Then this morning, we woke up to discover her sleeping on the kitchen floor. She looked very rough. It was strange seeing her in the kitchen, since her

normal hang out is on top of the couch in the living room. I petted her and loved on her. We realized she was pretty sick and we needed to get her some help. Since we had to leave early to exchange vehicles, we decided to get it done once we got home. I called ahead to the shelter we adopted her from and let them know we were coming (they have a vet clinic inside). By the time we got back, however, Tubbs was looking even worse. She hadn't moved from her spot on the kitchen floor. Not a good sign.

I moved her over to the couch so she'd be comfy while we got everything together. While my husband was getting our daughter dressed to go see her grandma, I was trying to find our cat carrier. I came back into the living room, stumped, and then I witnessed poor Tubbs attempt to vomit, but all she could get out was bile. Afterwards, she collapsed down the back of the couch. I ran to get her. Her legs were up in the air and she was barely breathing. I said "forget the carrier, I'm getting a blanket." So I grabbed one of SJ's old blankets, wrapped Tubbs up and hurried to the truck. I put her in the seat next to me. She was barely alive at this point. I rushed as fast as I could to the vet clinic, which is pretty hard when you drive a manual and traffic is horrible.

So we get there, I come rushing in, and they tell me to have a seat. After waiting for nearly 45 minutes, I went up to the secretary and told her my cat was near death at this point. They finally rushed her back, but I wasn't allowed to go. I sat in the waiting room for 15 minutes before a nurse came out and told me the prognosis was grim. They didn't know what was wrong with her and they didn't have the facilities to properly care for her since they're a non-profit organization. God. I started crying. They took me back to see her, where they had her hooked up to an IV and an oxygen mask. They told me that her sister, Sissy, the cat we didn't take, was in there a few days prior with the same symptoms. I was relieved to hear it was likely not something we did wrong but I was upset to know we were the ones who separated her from her sister. I had to remind myself that we wanted to take Sissy but she wouldn't go in a box and had an all-around horrible attitude and it was the shelter assistant who said she'd be willing to separate the two.

So we narrowed it down to separation issues or a UTI due to the peeing everywhere or a combination of both. Her temperature had dropped to a dangerous 94 degrees (when normal for a cat is 100-101). I had to sign her over to them since I have $2 to my name. I felt terrible but they re-assured me it was the best thing for her. I made them promise to contact me if she died or if she lived. They said if she lived, they would give me the opportunity to re-adopt her. 

I left the shelter crying. At least I got to say goodbye. I truly felt terrible. I really loved that cat.

(18 DPO) - Dear body, you suck.

So I got my hopes up for nothing. Go figure. I don't know why I do this to myself every cycle. Here's the steps I routinely go through:

1. Get period

2. Eat a lot of sweets, bloat, watch a lot of sad movies, cry

3. Wait for period to be over

4. Go a few days without worrying about TTC

5. Realize I'm on CD 10 and I'm most likely going to ovulate in three days

6. Seduce hubby

7. Fail to seduce hubby

8. Realize I'm on CD 12

9. Panic

10. Attempt seduction of hubby again

11. Succeed

12. Lay with legs in the air, up against the wall for 5-10 minutes

13. Go about my business for a few days

14. Enjoy life without worrying about buying pregnancy tests

15. Realize that pregnancy tests do NOT in fact rule my life

16. Feel empowered to wait until AF arrives or doesn't arrive to test

17. Make secret pact with self to have more self control

18. Realize it's 8 DPO

19. Try had to resist stopping at Dollar General and buying First Signal $1 tests

20. Fail at resisting

21. Take First Signal test, see a line (always, always see a line)

22. Get excited

23. Race out to 24-hour Wal-Mart at 3:00am and buy more $1 tests

24. Take test with FMU on 9 DPO

25. See nothing.

26. Rinse and repeat for a few days

27. Swear I see something on every test

28. Get validation on online message board

29. Drive myself insane

30. Get stared at for purchasing yet another FRER at the local grocery store

31. Stare at the cashier's 8 month + pregnant belly and cringe when I hear her talking about her other four kids

32. Wonder if I'll somehow end up with four kids

33. Test every day until expected AF

34. Get AF

.... Rinse and repeat.

So there you have it! That's exactly what I do each and every cycle. It's becoming depression, exhausting AND expensive.

This cycle I've received some of the most convincing lines I've ever had TTC #2. I've felt so different this cycle and I still believe I might  be in it to win it. Here's what I received with my FMU:

Every time I look at it, I see a faint line. When I tweak it on my phone, the line has pink. It's there. The only question is, is it viable? I decided to try one of my First Signals with my FMU urine as well. Here's what I got:

Not quite what I had yesterday, but when I tone down the brightness on my phone, I see a faint pink line. 

This ish is nuts, yo.

At this point, I should be getting dark damn lines. This isn't fair!

In the mean time, my breasts are so swollen they could be floatation devices. I'm a DD on a good day. They're sore, vein-y and bulbous. That can be an AF sign but it's usually not the case with me. My nip-nips are also visibly darker. 

I guess we'll wait and see.

(17 DPO) - AF is due today!

I'm pretty excited about AF being absent. She may very well pop up but for now, she's late. I've been pretty cranky and crampy today, most of the cramps fixated in my lower back. I tried drinking Diet Coke at work and it tasted kinda off, but that's not uncommon for my place of employment if you catch my drift ANYWAY, it tasted funny so I tried the Minute Maid Lemonade and it too tasted off. I tried eating a biscuit and it tasted funny too. I figured they can't all be off so I took a test after work and got this.

Am I imagining things or is there a line there? If there is a line, shouldn't it be much darker since today's my AF day? Maybe I got my O date wrong... after all, I only go with my body's gut feelings.

Either way... my husband doesn't know yet. I don't want to get him all excited or worked up right now so we'll see. 

On a side note, I'm meeting with a lawyer on Monday to discuss the hit and run case. If the off chance is I'm pregnant, I wonder if we can include that in the settlement options. Who knows. 

Well, I'm exhausted. Goodnight y'all!

EDIT: I inverted it just for fun.

 Edit again: It must be a placebo effect but I'm getting a headache. I'm also feeling nauseous. Oh, and I have heartburn. Yeah. It has to be placebo.

It's taking every ounce of restrain not to go buy a FRER from our local 24 hour Wal-Mart. They're $8.98 for a two pack! ...... with a $2 off coupon! So they come to $3.50 a piece. But damn, my toddler's still not asleep and it takes 20 minutes to get to Wally World.... ah, I'll wait til tomorrow.

(14 DPO) - My eggo is not prego.

I woke up this morning and took two tests - a FRER and a Clearblue Digi. The FRER gave me the exact same result yesterday gave me. The digi gave me a nice slice of "I-already-know".

Well fuck you very much, Clearblue.

My moods have been all over the place. I'm annoyed, weepy and ready to move past this.

I did take a First Signal with SMU and got, you guessed it, a ridiculously faint line. Jesus, take the wheel here, man - no more super faint "is it there?" lines. Either give me a full-blown line or nothing at all. Sheesh.

Remember how I said I wasn't spotting? Well, now I am. Just a tiny, tiny bit. So I assume AF is rearing her ugly head sometime tomorrow. 

In the mean time, I enjoyed a day out with my husband and daughter. We went to get ice cream and then to the park. I took my camera, like I always do, and snapped a million shots of the two of them. My husband took the camera from me and said I needed to be in some too or I would regret it. 

And I regretted it.

Ugh, beached whale alert.

I decided I would no longer put off the inevitable. I've known for a while now that my weight-loss success from a few months ago had gone the wrong direction. So after seeing the hideous full-body shots of me, I dug out our scale from the back of the closet. The poor thing used to get stepped on daily when I was obsessing over my weight loss. Today was the first time it had seen the light of day in a long time. So I stepped on it ... mind you, this was at 9:30pm so I realize I'll weigh a bit more than I would have this morning ... and goddamnit, I've put 25 pounds back on. Disgusting.

PCOS is a bitch. There, I said it. I can literally eat a fourth of what my average-sized husband eats and I'll still weigh 30 pounds more than him. There was a time last year when we were only 4 pounds apart and I was *this close* to being less than him.... then the weight loss started creeping back up. Oh so slowly. The only reason I noticed it was because I weighed myself every morning after I peed.

Oh but you're not supposed to weigh yourself every day, you silly goose!

When it's super fucking easy for you to put on weight due to a horrible hormone imbalance, yes, you need to weigh every day to stay on top of it.

 I estimate my highest weight was around 250 pounds, around 5 years ago. If you read my original post, you know I used to be 140 pounds in high school. And I'm pretty tall... 5'8'' in fact. So 140 was healthy. I had an hourglass shape and I looked damn good. Too bad I didn't know it at the time... like all melodramatic teenage girls, I thought I was a fat whore. A fat ... virgin ... whore. I don't know.

Anyway, after months and months of extreme dieting and exercise, I got myself down to 205 pounds and then became pregnant. My weight fluctuated quite a bit in my first trimester due to the fact I had hyperemesis gravidarum, meaning I was throwing up so bad I couldn't hold down water. 

I actually kept it up until about six months, but don't worry, my baby made sure to absorb absolutely everything I didn't throw up. I was the hangry-est pregnant lady in the history of hangry pregnant ladies. Hangry.

The day I gave birth, I weighed 224 pounds. 7.5 pounds of that was baby. And I'm pretty pleased to admit I wore my regular shorts the whole summer. I was all baby (and boobs). A few days after having her, I was about 210. I let it go for about a year because I had to go right back to working full-time and I was stressed. New baby, no sleep, you know the drill. Anyway, I got back up to 220 without doing much eating at all. I then went back on a strict diet and exercise plan, along with getting prescribed Metformin from my doctor. During the fall last year, I tried out the no-carb diet, thinking it was a sham. I lost 9 pounds in a week, mostly water weight... but god, it was hard. I stopped that diet (why? I love carbs too much) and I busted my ass at the gym and got all the way down to 190 pounds. I plateaued. I couldn't get to 189.9. I was so aggravated.

That's when the pounds started coming back, like they always have.

And I've been eating poorly ever since, because fuck it. I also had a desk job for the past six months. I quit because working for a bank sucks when you have to refer products to angry old ladies and expect to keep those numbers up all day. So now I'm back to working full-time as a waitress. I'm so glad I kept that job on the weekends... it feels so much better walking again. When I was at the desk job, I could feel myself getting fatter just staring at my screen. However, I walk about 2-3 miles per shift at the restaurant.

After seeing the pictures tonight, I'm ready to try again. I stepped on the scale and saw 215 staring back at me. I know it's bad, my god, but I honestly, truly thought it would be worse. I thought I would see 235 staring back at me. 

And I need to remind myself that my doctor said it was the weight loss and the abrupt stopping of the birth control pills that likely caused me to get pregnant. I'm going to start focusing on my weight again and getting healthy. I have to.

Maybe I will do the no-carb thing again .... it worked the first time and it's really good for women with PCOS due to our insulin resistance. 

I'll keep you updated. Whether you like it or not.

(12 DPO) - I'm peeved.

I love First Signal tests. They're only $1.00 at Dollar General or $0.88 at Wal-mart. They showed me lines at 8 and 9DPO with my previous chemicals.

I sure hope that's not the case here.

This one was taken this morning with FMU. The line was there in person, but I had to squint to see it. You can see it in the photo if you squint hard enough. I swear I'm the queen of seeing super super super faint lines, especially when I'm looking at pregnancy board members' "can you see it?" posts. I'm usually the only person responding who can see a line. It must be a gift.

Or a curse.

  

Yes, my daughter insists on being in the bathroom with me at all costs. It's something we're working on.

But really, I'm feeling pretty jaded today. I swear if this is another chemical pregnancy, I'm done ... forever.

Okay, that's pretty dramatic. But seriously. I'm so jealous! This past month, I've seen two-three pregnancy announcements among my friends on Facebook per week. I just can't handle it any more. It's hard enough my best friend is pregnant and due when I was due (Halloween). She told me the day after I realized my pregnancy wasn't viable. She didn't know, of course.

My heart can't handle much more of this.

(11 DPO) - Ugh. That's all I have to say.

So I'm getting aggravated.

Shouldn't the lines be darker?

The following two tests were taken with SMU. I set them on the window ledge to get a natural-light photo. The lines were visable in person but oh so light. I'm getting worried about another chemical pregnancy.

I just hope they get darker... I don't know if I can handle more heartache.